It is the sound of the alarm that waked Lilli up. It’s 6 am sharp, meaning that she has only one hour to go to work. It’s the 13th of November; which means that tomorrow Lilli is turning 30.
Lilli is a 29 year old woman whom all her life wished to be a man. She felt that she fitted more in the masculine world. Always saw herself as ugly as a beast; however her friends and family see that she was attractive, but they have never told her, or showed her that. Whenever she says that she knows that she is ugly; sometimes they tell her that she isn’t (however she never felt that they really meant it but just trying to make her feel better), but most of the times they say nothing as if they agree with her that she is a beast. Lilli is an average-weight brunette with dark brown eyes. She didn’t resemble perfection and doesn’t look like celebrities. She looks like any ordinary woman, but what she didn’t know that there was something in her that made her different. Something that attracts people to her, something that nobody could tell what is it.
Lilli, still in bed, rubs her eyes and looks to her left to find the same face she sees daily for 2 years. The face of the ambitious faithful husband; Joseph.
The 42 year old national security assistante manager Josef is Lilli’s husband and colleague. Four years ago, Lilli joined the agency. He loved her from the first moment he laid his eyes on her, and within few months he confronted her with his feelings and even proposed. At first, Lilli refused him, claiming that she is willing to concentrate only on her job and she is not thinking of love right now. 2 years ago, Lilli went to Joseph and asked wether his offer is still available or not. Without asking for any details, Joseph was delighted and agreed at once and they quickly got married.
Lilli wakes her husband up quickly and they both quickly got ready and headed to work. Another day of expressing difficult cryptographic problems in mathematic terms. On her way to work, she wished to experience something new on her 30th birthday night, but if she knew what’s going too happen, I think she might have wished for something else.
Entering the NSA elevator,
Joseph:” wish you a good day at work dear, and try to finish early because I have a little surprise for you.” . Giving her a quick kiss on her cheek, he left the elevator on the 3rd floor.
Lilli arrived to the 4th floor, wishing that when the elevator’s door opens she will find a big cake and a surprise party by all her colleagues. The elevator opened its doors showing no cake, no party but all her colleagues were actually there. Lilli stepped out a stood still. However none have noticed her presence, she could notice something new. There was a big fuss and everybody seemed even more busy than usual. What even made her more astonished was seeing the manager standing in the middle of the hall and talking in his cell phone. Fred, the 50 year old manager, waved to Lilli asking her to follow him to his office quickly. Lilli felt that something was not right and quickly followed Fred looking on her both sides to see all her friends running in different directions and looking exhausted, shocked and a little sadness showed on there faces.
Lilli arrived and opened the manager’s office door to find him sitting in his desk as if waiting for her. Fred has always loved Lilli and considered her the daughter he never had and she has always considered him as her father and close friend. Fred was Lilli’s father best friend; he took her and raised her after her parents’ death in a car accident when she was only 9 years old. By the age of 19 Lilli decided to live on her own in a flat, as she has always felt that she was a burden on her beloved god father. That was devastating to Fred to see his child leave, but he was proud of her and glad to know that she has matured and grown up. After showing excellence in her college, Lilli applied to work for the NSA without knowing that Fred was actually in it. She has always believed that he was a business man in the computers’ industry. It has been a shock to her, but they were both happy about it.
Fred looking desperate:”Glad to see you now.”
Lilli:”..Hmm…well, what’s going on???”
Fred with a sad face:”well, we are having a bit of a security situation inhere. 2am this morning someone was able to hack our system.”
Lilli astonished: “WHAT!!!! How could that happen!!!? Nobody have ever before broke out security system, its just not right, it’s impossible.”
Fred: “I know, I still can’t believe that it’s true. What’s even worse is that the hacker implanted a virus, it a bug eating all our information and corrupting our data base.”
Lilli was stroked by the news and tried to make sense of what’s going on. The National Security Agency was actually hacked!!! That could result into a national catastrophe. That was not exactly what she wants to think of on her last day of being 29.
Lilli:”How didn’t any of the NSA computer experts solve that problem?”
Fred:”The hacker is so damn good, he started his attack as I told you 2 am while nobody was in here. The only problem that was facing him was our security systems and programs.”
Lilli:”Yeah, our security systems, how did he break them!!!They are just invincible.”
Fred:”That’s what makes me believe that we have a traitor. Someone from the inside, someone working for us.”
Lilli with her eyes widely opened:” WHAT!!!How could that be even possible!!!”
Fred:” I also believe it’s someone from the computer science/engineering department. They are the only ones who know all the details about the system and the only ones capable of doing such massive damage in no time.”
Lilli still dazzled:”Why??why would anyone do so?”
Fred:”I don’t really know, but maybe we will know later. Maybe he was forced to do so, or maybe he was helping another party.”
Lilli:” you mean like a spy!!!!!?”
Fred:”unfortunately, yes that’s what makes sense to me”
Lilli:” how much of the data was corrupted?”
Fred took a deep breath looked her in the eyes:”30% of the data has been has been deleted, and 10% of the database is corrupted.”
Lilli couldn’t feel her legs; she just fell into one of the two chairs in front of her manager’s desk. The whole thing was new and frightening.
Finally she was able again to collect her strength and ask:”Fred, what’s to be done??How could I help??”
Fred:”that’s why I asked you to come to my office. I have asked for the assistance of the only one suitable for that mission. Someone who doesn’t work for the NSA, as can’t actually trust anyone from the computer department right now. I need a qualified, mastermind computer genius.”
Lilli:”someone not from NSA!! I can’t get that right; we already have all the masterminds from all over the globe. They all wish to work with us. Who is it that can as good as our men and do what they couldn’t do?? ”
Fred:” he actually refused to work with us and works now in one the biggest computer companies in Japan.”
Lilli stood up:”He what!!? He refused to work for NSA!!? How could that be possible? Who is he??”
Fred was uneasy about saying that:” well, actually you…..know him and at the same time, you were the reason of his rejection.”
Lilli trying to make sense of what she heard:”huh!!? I know him and he didn’t join because of me?? Who is it Fred??”
He was sure that she will ask him that question but still he wished she didn’t:”he is an old friend dear, I wish I could have found someone else, but he is the only one for it.”
Lilli got furious:”ok your making it sound terrible, just say the man’s name.”
Fred:” its Robert…Robert Langdon.”
Lilli fell again in the chair; she felt that she was falling from a skyscraper. She was falling deep down into her mind and heart. She felt really bitter and frustrated. She can’t believe her ears; Robert!!After all that time trying to get over him and succeeded in nothing but knowing that she will never forget him. Even after all what happened and after her marriage; she will never be able to move on and just let go.
Lilli with tears in her eyes and a feeble voice:”Why Fred? Why…(couldn’t say his name)..him?”
Fred feeling the hurt of his girl:”I previously told you, he’s the best for that mission.”
Lilli:”then why did you call me??What do have to do with that???”
Fred:”I know its going to be hard, but Lil I need your help. Although Robert is an old friend, still I just can’t lit him into NSA and simply give him all my trust. We must keep in mind that now he will see information what most people on that planet don’t know about. Classified information that even not all the NSA employees know about. I need you to keep an eye on him all the time he will be here.”
“Fred, please I just can’t do that, please I just can’t.”
“Dear Lil, I know but I trust no one in here but you, he supposedly won’t take more than a couple of hours in here.”
“Sorry Fred but find someone else for that mission I just can’t do it.”
She was about to leave when he said fiercely:” Mme Joseph, I am your manager and ordering you to stick to Mr. Langdon during his stay. It’s an emergency and I am not accepting any excuses.”
Lilli looked him in the eyes with anger and frustration but could say nothing but:” yes, sir”
Fred took a deep breath then said still in a fierce voice:” and now there is a car waiting for you to take you to the airport to meet him. The plane will arrive at 9:30 and it’s already 9, thus you should e moving.”
Lilli nodded and headed quickly outside the NSA’s massive building and found a big black car waiting for her. The open the door, entered the car. She didn’t need to say anything to the driver who seemed to know their destination. Lilli dazing through the window and kept recalling every little detail and not believing that he was able again to intrude her life after all these years.
Robert Langdon was Lilli’s best friend and love in college. From the first moment she laid her eyes on him she was enchanted by his glamorous confident eyes and charming smile. Her heart pumped with joy when she found him coming closer towards her and even sitting beside her on their first lecture in the first year of college. She didn’t even ask for more but he then started talking to her and they quickly became best friends. He was very protective and caring with her and that made her love him even more. They talked daily after college on the phone or on the internet for hours talking about nothing but she just felt better just talking to him. He always told her that e cares for her more than anyone in that world and that he can’t imagine a day passing without talking to her. All of that made her truly believe that he loves her but did he ever mention that word…LOVE!? Actually no, Robert has never said to her that he loves her. He said every possible thing to show that, but never actually said it. He showed how much he cares for her, how crazily he gets jealous when he thinks that she attracted to someone else and sometimes asking her to talk to nobody but him, and how miserable he used to be when she didn’t talk to him for a day or two even if for a good reason. All how much he cared for her and that he loved but who could be sure of that??? And that what made her really nervous for a while and have doubts wether she has been imagining that he likes her? Or is it because she is just not good enough for him? That’s what she really believed. She always told herself:” why would someone that handsome look at a girl like her specially that he had lots of hot girls that are his friends and they all liked him so much.
College was over, and day after day Lilli’s love, anxiety, and love increased. She wanted to know wether he loved her or not, but she was just to shy to confront him. She didn’t want to make a fool of herself if he didn’t love her. One day she told him that she wants to see him as soon as possible, and as usual he agreed and told her to meet her at once in a café they used to meet in for studying, but actually they used to do nothing but talk and have fun and enjoying passing their time together. Just seeing him filled her heart with joy, seeing his care and jealousy made her fly out of happiness. How magical his words were to her ears. She went to the café to find him there waiting for her. He looked very happy and even more handsome. She decided to lie to him and tell him that she will live abroad to see his reaction.
He stood up:”Hey Lillo, hope that everything is ok, coz I want to tell you something too.”
Lilli sitting beside him as usual:”really!…hmm… well for me everything is just alright…I think, what about you.”
Robert:”you think!!?What do you mean by that??”
Lilli feeling really stupid and wished not to say what she was about to say:”I just wanted to see you to tell you that I will travel next week to France.” She believed that she has seen tears in his eyes for a second when he then said:”u mean like for a couple of days?”
Lilli with her face down:”no I mean to live there”
Robert in shock:”Live there!??France!?Why? Why is that? What happened?”
Lilli:”nothing just nothing I just want to visit new places and experience a new life style.”
Robert his eyes and mouth widely opened:” A new life?? And what’s wrong with your old one? Don’t you think it’s good enough for you?”
Lilli’s eyes were now the ones full of tears she couldn’t say anything and felt horrible to see her love in such shock, but a little happy as she felt that he was in a way trying to tell her to stay maybe for him.
Robert:” Why did you take such a decision without telling me, I though that you were telling me everything you do like I do. I trusted you. Lilli you have been my best friend for many successive years, we shared a lot together, then why didn’t you share with me that decision, that devastating decision. I have been a good and faithful friend that I think I deserved to know.”
They both were silent for a couple of minutes, and Robert was looking away from Lilli then he took a deep breath and said:”well, I have nothing to tell you. All what I can say is good luck Lilli, good luck with your new French life dear friend.”
Lilli quickly interrupted:”if you don’t want me to go then just say it, please if you really want me to stay I won’t mind.”
Robert with a sad tone in his voice:”and why would I say so and why would you stay? There is nothing of you interest in here, then go ahead maybe you would find there what’s better for you. You really deserve the best …sweetest Lillo ever.”
Lilli:” Please forget all what I said. I you want me here then say it, and that will be the last thing I will ask from you, please Robert tell me what you want me to do.”
Robert:”oh Lilli, I think you are old enough now to take your own decisions and as I told you I wish you nothing but the best of luck.” He looked at his watch and added” and now am sorry I really have to go right now. Have a nice trip.”
Lilli’s tears falling, couldn’t help herself from not grapping his hand saying:”what are you saying won’t you even drive me to the airport??”
Robert looked back to her and said:”why are you crying now, you will live in France, la ville d’amour. You should be happy right now. My advice for you is to go ahead and travel.”
He was about to leave again when she pulled him back from his hand:” won’t you tell me what you wanted to tell me now??”
Robert:”well there is no need now for that, never mind. Take care Lilli please.” And he left.
Lilli fell into her chair, her tears fell involuntary. In her mind only one idea:”if he really loved me he would have said that now”. All what he said and did now might be because he liked her as a friend or a sister but not in the same way as she loved him. If he was the one leaving she would have begged him to stay and not wishing him the best of luck. That conclusion made her desperate. 2 days after their meeting she called him to find his room mate telling her that he has received an offer to work in one of the best computer companies in Japan 3 days ago and he had taken today’s plane. She couldn’t believe what she heard!! He travelled!! He left her without even telling her goodbye!!? Didn’t she deserve that?? At that moment she decided not to think about him anymore, however she knew she won’t ever be able to do so, yet she decided that she will try coz now she has nothing to lose. The only thing she cared for was him but now he left her alone behind. He was the only thing she would be afraid to lose and now she lost him already. However she is thinking of him all the time, she feels towards him different feelings, love and frustration. She always wished to see him to hug him, hit him and blame him. However she was about to meet him now after all these years, she didn’t really know what will she do when she sees him and wether he knows that she it will be there waiting for him, and what will his reaction be.
The driver’s voice returned Lilli back to the reality:”Mme, we have arrived, and I will wait for you in the parking lot.”
Lilli descended out of the car, her legs were trembling as she entered the airport afraid of that unexpected but desirable meeting. Standing in front of the arrival gate, the minuets passed as if hours recalling in them the years she passed her best days of her whole life and had her most magnificent memories during them. Suddenly she noticed the familiar glamorous eyes she fell in love with. She suddenly forgot every moment she blamed him; she was now flying high and diving into those charming eyes. She felt young again and all her fears faded away. A small smile appeared on her face when she waved to Robert. On the other hand, Robert was as shocked as herself when she knew what her mission was. He couldn’t feel the ground behind him. He felt that the whole world was spinning or that he was in fairy tale. Are his eyes deceiving him or is it really the love of his life was standing 3 meters in front of him and even waving to him. How could that happen after all that time??
*****************************************************
However the weather was cold that that day, both felt a familiar old warmth. The kept gazing at each other for a while. It is the most uncomfortable moment ever, but still both have wished for it so long ago. Robert looked at her amazed; it’s her really, his Lillo. She only looks more sophisticated in that work suit. Her face showed confidence; she turned to be a successful, elegant lady. On the other hand, Lilli has always imagined Robert to look just as masculine and sure as he looks right now in his black business suit. From the look on his eyes she knew that he didn’t expect seeing her. She just wanted to keep standing still doing nothing but looking to his face, but unfortunately, that was not actually possible.
Robert trying to be as calm as possible:”hey…hmm…what are you doing here? Is it just a coincidence???”
Lilli made a faint laugh:” ah, well no its not. I am the head of the mathematic department in NSA and I was assigned to accompany you during your quick visit.”
Robert nodded and without any further talking, Lilli guided him to the car they both got in, each looked through the window trying to understand that whole situation. Both wanted to break that annoying silence but they just couldn’t. Despite of her love, she can’t just simply forget how deeply he had hurt her. How easily he stabbed her in her heart by his leaving. After 15 minuets of silence, the ice wall between them started to melt;
Robert hardly asked:”so…how are you?”
Lilli feeling that she has been running for years and suddenly came to a stop. She looked him directly into his eyes and answered:” I am fine….yeah sure, am absolutely fine.”
Robert with a bit of a harsh tone:” yeah sure, you’re a NSA agent, I bet you are living your best days ever.” .Looking back to the window.
Lilli just wanted to strike him on the head thinking:” Err, I just hate that tone you use, it makes me feel guilty and AM NOT!!”, but she tried to be as calm and normal as possible when she said:” Not exactly, however working with NSA is exciting, it’s totally exhausting and taking all my time.”
Robert looking at her with a faint smile:” taking all your time, but I can see that you look…amazing” then he quickly looked back to the window.
Lilli stared at him couldn’t believe what he has just said:”did he just say that I look…….oh dear lord”
He interrupted her thought when he added arrogantly while looking through the window:” well, as for me I love my work. It’s just enjoyable and gives me all what I want. These years in Japan of course are the best of my whole life. I have never felt that amount of happiness, content, relief and satisfaction before.”
Tears were about to fall from Lilli’s eyes. Her face turned red quickly. She faced the window, closed her eyes in a successful attempt to prevent tears from falling. She is now experiencing different feelings at the same time. She felt shocked, rage, anger and sudden weakness. The main thing she felt was that she was pathetic. His best years were those he spent in Japan!!! Happiness, content, relief and satisfaction!!! She had felt those feelings also, but with him. She felt that she was very stupid that one day she thought that he loved her. She has spent each minuet thinking of him and couldn’t ever overcome or live her life normally. She has never loved anyone else nor had a good friend like him. She couldn’t find someone else to trust and share her secrets with. Even her…her own…her own husband, oh my good, Joseph!! She has totally forgotten al about him since she knew that she will meet Robert. Joseph, the faithful, loyal husband who endured her for 2 years of a miserable marriage. Joseph showed how deep he loved Lilli from the fist sight. When he proposed to her after just few months from knowing her, she refused. She was shocked actually; the idea that someone has really loved her and wanted to spend all his life with her has really impressed her. She was happy but at the same time she was embarrassed. She has always seen herself as undesirable and the idea of someone coming to her saying that he loves her that much and even propose was absolutely enormous for her to bear, but still, what could be her excuse to reject him? He was a man that many women dream of; successful, handsome, gentile and kind. The problem is that she just didn’t love him nor could forget her true love. She told him that she wasn’t thinking of having any relationships right now, she just wants to focus on her new job. She tried to avoid him whenever she could. Every time she looks into his eyes and see that desperate look on his face she felt even guiltier. It took her 2 years more to agree and accept his offer. She was already 28 years old by then, she though:” what am I waiting for all these years, you are getting old Lil, and you should move on. You will find no one better than Joseph to marry. He loves you so much, and maybe he will help you forget your past miserable experience. Joseph loves you, what else do you want??” Lilli agreed and decided and promised herself to try to make him very happy coz he deserved that for his love and for waiting for her 2 years. She really decided that but did she really fulfill her promise??? Normally, Lilli couldn’t devote her love and heart to someone else. She respected him everyday more, she was a good wife, but she never truly loved him. Sometimes she thought that he could feel that, she could tell that from his looks, but he never mentioned it. That made her feel horrible, she felt that he deserved more and that she was totally unfair with him. He deserved a wife that loves him. Joseph really deserved the best, someone indeed better than her. A wife who sees him as the best thing that has ever happened to her. A wife who has the same feelings just like those Lilli has for Robert.
Lilli with an angry tone looking straight to him:”really!!! That’s great; I have also started my own new life. I got married to the NSA’s assistant manager, Joseph Longbottom.”
Robert seemed not surprised of the news but a bit disappointed:” well, I expected that…congratulations, you have always wished to start a new life, I am glad that you did.” He said that without even looking to her and both were silent for minuets when he added:” so Madame Joseph, do you love do you love Mr. Longbottom??”
Lilli suddenly felt that she was falling into an endless well;”why Robert? Why this question???” She hesitantly answered:” I am already married to him so what do you think or what’s the difference now?? And he loves me unconditionally, he loved me from the first moment he saw me four years ago and after a couple of months he proposed.”
Robert:” so you have been married for 4 years now?”
Lilli clearing her throat:”no we got married 2 years ago”
Robert:” 2 years ago!!!? Why didn’t you marry when he first asked you?”
Lilli looking down, playing with her fingers:”….I just wasn’t ready I think….I wanted to concentrate on my work”
Robert:” keep in mind that you didn’t answer my first question”
Lilli pretending not to know:” huh!? What question??”
Robert:” do you love him Lillo??” his eyes showed nothing but passion.
Repeating the question was not as hard as hearing him saying “Lillo” again. His voice overwhelmed her. She didn’t know how to answer that question, she wanted to show him that she was very happy with her life and wasn’t thinking of him and never though of him more than a good friend, since it seems that that’s how he had always felt towards her. Fortunately, the diver interrupted them announcing their arrival. Lilli now wanted to thank the driver for rescuing her. She smiled and said:” welcome to NSA Mr. Robert”.
It’s already 10:45 when Lilli knocked on the manager’s office door and entered.
Fred:” Welcome Mr. Robert, have a seat please. ” he could see that both didn’t look alright. He already knows it’s not easy fro Lilli to see Robert again, but right now they had no other choice. Looking back at Robert:” I think you don’t need any further details and you know what to do to stop that catastrophe.” Robert nodded and Fred added:” great then lets get started, we want any further loses. Lilli please take him to one of the computers and I would prefer to use your computer” he gave her a look that she totally understood. He wanted him to use her computer so that she would trace later on whether he accessed any valuable information that he doesn’t have to access.
Robert stood up Fred thanked him for coming and Lilli took him and headed to her office. As they walked to her office and despite of her anger from him, Lilli couldn’t help herself not to feel excited a little. They entered her office, she closed the door, asked him to sit on her desk and start his work and she sat on a coach near by.
Lilli:” I will have to warn you not to trust anyone in here except Fred and me.”
Robert surprised:” and why is that??”
Lilli:” coz we think he attack is from someone from the inside.”
Robert frowned:”Really, so are you sure to trust you and Fred only and no one else????”
Lilli:”yes….”
Robert:”even Joseph???”
Lilli stared at him in a shock, didn’t really know what he meant by his question and even what’s worse she didn’t know how to answer him. She finally said hesitantly:” I trust Joseph, but Fred as a manager of that agency doesn’t, or maybe he does trust him, I don’t know. But the order was clear; trust no one, clear???”
Robert in a sarcastic tone:”Yes Mme”
She looked back to him with a half smile and raised one of her eye brows:” so what’s your plan?? What will you do to find who’s behind that???”
Robert while typing on the keyboard:” I have created a new security program that could trace the hacker from his previous actions, thus obtaining his IP. Nobody actually knows about that new program except a few people in the company I work for. Now the people knowing about it increased by one” he said that last sentence with a smile on his face and looking at Lilli for a moment then returned back to the screen.
Lilli blushed instantly then added:” but if the program is going to do all the work then why did you bother to come by yourself?? Why didn’t you send it by mail.”
Robert:” because as I said right now, the program is not announced to public yet, so I cant take that risk to give it to someone else to deliver it and in addition I cant simply give it to anyone to use it, see my own creation, use it without my permission.”
Lilli:” ok, I will top talking so as not to distract you.”
Robert:” it will only take me an hour to setup the program and make it start its search, and then we will have time to talk.”
Lilli smiled to him then added:” great and I will go and get us something to drink.” She went out and returned in 15 minuets with two cups of coffee. She put one beside Robert on the desk, and returned back and sat on the coach. She kept watching him working; he seemed really serious and busy. She didn’t get bored of sitting still doing nothing at all. She didn’t feel the time passing by and even enjoyed every second. She missed looking at him for so long. As much as she wished for that hour no to end, she also wished that he would finish quickly and start talking with her.
At the same time in a fancy restaurant, Joseph was reserving a table for two tonight to celebrate his wife’s 30th birthday as an attempt to make her feel happy or showing her how deeply he loved her.
**************************************************
It is 12:05 pm when Robert took a deep breath, looked at Lilli who turned quickly her face away as if she wasn’t looking at him and hoping that he didn’t notice her.
Robert:” ok now it’s now the program role to tell us the source of the attack.” He stood up, held the cup of coffee and went to sit on the leather chair placed beside the coach that Lilli was sitting on. Lilli got nervous and took a big sip of her coffee, cleared her throat and the said:” hmm…and now how will we know that your program detected someone??”
Robert:” we will hear a peep, don’t worry. So how was your trip to France?? Didn’t you decide to live there???”
Lilli looking in her cup:”I have never been to France. I didn’t go”
Robert:”why is that, may I know??”
Lilli still looking down:”… things just didn’t go as I wish and after a few months I applied to work here and I was quickly employed.”
Robert in a low tone:” of course they hired you quickly, where would they fined someone better than you.” He added smiling:” You were one of the best in college….remember??”
Lilli:”I have never forgot those days, they were the best days of my life.”
Robert:” Indeed, they were the best fro me too.”
Lilli made a sarcastic laugh then added:”I though you said your best days were in Japan.”
Robert:”uhh..no, I didn’t mean that.”
Lilli raising her 2 eyebrows:“the why did you say that you have never felt that amount of happiness, content, relief and satisfaction before.”
Robert stood up and moved to the middle of the room, his back to Lilli and looking down:” I mean that…..” looking to her now:” I really had fun when we were together, indeed I did. But still, when I moved to Japan, everything has changed to me the new life style, new job and my….” His cell phone rang. He put his right hand in his pocket and answered. Lilli was stood up and was about to tell him that he wasn’t allowed to talk in the phone when she saw what she didn’t expect to see. She was as if has been stroked by a lightning, but she was sure she wasn’t hallucinating. That shiny ring in his right hand was actually an engagement ring……
Robert hanged up, put the phone back into his pocket and looked at Lilli, surprised to find her tears falling:” what’s wrong Lilli!!?What happened why are you crying??”
Lilli couldn’t believe herself, but couldn’t help herself no more not to speak up and shout out loud with all what she has kept inside her for so many years;”What’s wrong?? Don’t you know what’s wrong???? You are engaged Robert, that’s what’s wrong.” Robert stupefied in his place in a shock of what he heard, but Lilli went on:”when were you about to tell me??huh, when??”
Robert:” what’s wrong Lilli? We have just met!!!!!!!! Why are you making it sound like a big deal?? Why are you exaggerating it???”
Lilli:” Exaggerating??? No sir, am not, and am sorry but to me it is a big deal.” She felt fro a moment that he was right, they have just met!! But you know what? She didn’t regret it, she was mad, really mad at him for so long and always wanted to see him to let him now that. She added:” and ok as you say we have just met, but I told you that I got married.”
Robert:” I don’t know I just didn’t feel that it was a good chance to say that”
Lilli:” ooh no Robert it was your only good chance, but you know what, that is just typically you; you never tell, you just like to live with your own secrets.”
Robert in a shocked angry voice:” What!!! I cant believe what you are saying??? We have known each other for so long; would you please mention for me only one thing that I haven’t told you about???”
Lilli:” ooh, I don’t know, well let me think.., ah, remember travelling to Japan without even leaving a note to someone thought that you considered her as a friend!!!”
Robert:” I can believe that you want to talk about that right now?”
Lilli:” unfortunately I didn’t see you before and I just can’t wait any longer. I need answers and now.”
Robert:” answers for what?”
Lilli raising her voice:”Robert, don’t play that game with me.”
They both looked at each another and nothing was said.…
Lilli wiping her tears:” have you ever loved me??”
Robert:”of course I did.”
Lilli:” then why didn’t you tell me???”
Robert took a deep breath then added:”oh Lilli, you are taking me back so long ago. Remember that day at the café when you said that you were going to France?? After we have finished college. That day I told you that I want to tell you something. On that day I received a proposal to work in Japan. I was so excited and happy and I wanted to tell you as fast as I could. I though that this would be the best occasion to let you know of my feeling. I though it would be great to tell you that I love you. On that day I was going to propose to you so that we would travel and spend the rest of our life together. Then when I met you and heard your plans and that you didn’t like your present life and wanted to go for a change. That have really hurt me coz for me it was only enough to stay with you. In that moment I knew that you didn’t love me as much as I do and I couldn’t handle to hear anymore. So I left, I went to Japan hear broken. Focused all my attention on my work and then decided to move on. Last year I met Sue, a brilliant fun Japanese woman working in another computer company. We liked each other, started to go out, then I discovered that I love her…she knew what makes me happy and cared to do it. She made me feel… I don’t know how to say it, but a day can’t pass without seeing her. So we quickly got engaged and….next week is our wedding.”
Involuntary Lilli feel on her knees, her face covered with her hands which became soaked with her tears. She was now crying uncontrollably.
Robert kneeled in front of her, tabbed her on the shoulder and said:” Lillo, please don’t cry. That was years ago. I had to move on, just like you did!”
Lilli removed his hand and stood up quickly, her eyes were as red as blood:”Oooh, you are so wrong Robert, so wrong. I have always loved you I can’t believe that you didn’t know that. And I never moved on, you were always with me in my mind and heart. I wish I had moved on really so that I won’t have suffered as I did. If I moved on wouldn’t be up here crying now pathetically in front of you saying how much I love you and making a fool of myself. If I moved on, then I would be spending the last two years feeling guilty that I can’t love my own husband. The man who loved me and loves me still. The man who didn’t run away or give up or as you have done MOVED ON when I refused him once.” Her breath was increasing and heart was pumping, she couldn’t believe herself that she has actually said all of that!!!! She calmed down and added:” I fell totally pathetic but I am glad that I have told you what I wanted to say so long ago. The last thing that I want to say is that I regret every minuet I have though of you.”
Lilli couldn’t say anything more, she felt a burden have been removed when suddenly the computer made a peep, announcing that they have a suspect. Both stood still looking at each other, and then Robert moved to the computer and said:” I think I got his IP I think he is really from within, more specifically in the department of…”
Lilli interrupted:” stop, I don’t want to know, and I just don’t care any more.” She turned and headed to the door, Robert called back on her but she didn’t look back at him. She didn’t know what she was doing or where were her legs taking her, but she found herself in front of Fred’s office. She then knew exactly what to do. She entered without knocking. Fred jumped out of chair and ran to her when he saw her looking terrible:”what’s wring Lilli, what happened????why are you crying????”
Lilli:”don’t worry Fred, I did what I should have done earlier and now am fine, I just came here to inform you that I quit. I don’t want to be a NSA agent anymore. I had enough of work. Currently I need sometimes with myself.”
Fred amazed:”what are you saying??? I will refuse of course”
Lilli:” I don’t care but am not coming here again. Please Fred leave me right now. I need to get far away.”
Fred:” where will you go now??”
Lilli holding the door knot:” frankly…I don’t know”
******************************************************
It was already 1:38 when Lilli went out of the NSA’s building. She looked back at it for the last time and then kept walking. Without having any specific destination she just walked and walked. All the events that happened today were being flashbacked in her mind. She also started to remember again loads of memories she had at college. Memories that made her laugh involuntarily while walking. Memories that have enlighten her life. It was actually Robert, the first one to make her feel that she was worthy. Now he had easily made her feel the worst feeling ever. Desperation and silliness. Yes she felt so silly and embarrassed of what she has done and even regretted that. What will he think now and say about you Lilli??he has moved on, got engaged and his wedding is next week. He must be feeling pitiful for you now. That idea just made her feel even more terrible. Trying to make herself feel better, she convinced herself that that was absolutely normal and she was right. She kept wondering around in nowhere for hours and hours it was even getting dark. She didn’t notice that she was in the middle of a park except when her cell phone rang; it was her husband Joseph.
Lilli:” hello, Joseph.”
Joseph:” hey dear, I have heard that you have quitted today?? Is that true??”
Lilli:” yes, but it’s just that…please Joseph I don’t want to discuss that now if that why you called.”
Joseph:”no and I don’t care to know, all I care for now is that you go home, have a shower, dress your best and meet me at your favorite restaurant, you will find me waiting for you there at 9pm.”
Lilli sadly:” ok I will.”
Joseph:” then don’t be late, bye”
Lilli hanged up, looked at her watch to find that it’s 5:24. She couldn’t believe that she has been walking for more than 3 hours. She called for a taxi and went back home. Entered the bath room and to take a shower. She felt that the water was drifting away all her thoughts, she decided to let go. There was only one last thing to do. It’s Joseph, she can’t bear to keep on hurting him and making him live in misery more. He just doesn’t deserve that, he indeed deserved a better life. She knew now that it is the end for his own good.
She dressed her best as Joseph asked her to, and then packed all her cloths in a big bag. She decided to travel somewhere else, maybe France….to start a new life, but that time for real. While packing and for the first time ever, she kept remembering all the good times she had with Joseph. Maybe if she has given him a go then maybe she would have loved him. That idea made her even feels more guilty and uneasy about their meeting. But how would she love him if her mind and heart were with someone else?? Then how did Robert move on and loved someone else???? Maybe she didn’t try hard to forget him??? Maybe she was afraid to lose the last thing about him, his memory??? He was the first to change her look about herself. The first to make her feel a bit more confident. All of that was true but still she now feels that she is a horrible person and that she was unfair with Joseph from the very beginning. She tried to stop thinking about everything and try once to think about Joseph. She knows that she just cant love him, but she needed to think how to tell him that in the best way ever. She just didn’t want to hurt him anymore. She kept going around and around trying to prepare what to say but she couldn’t find something appropriate. She looked again at her watch and she found that its 8:15 already!!!! How did they time fly by that quickly she couldn’t know. Se only knew that she must get moving as she doesn’t want to be late. Took the big bag and her purse and headed to the garage to take her car. Thanks to the traffic jam, she arrived at 9:30. She entered to see Joseph sitting in their regular place.
Lilli:” I am really so terribly sorry for being late, it’s the traffic I swear.”
Joseph stood up with a sweet smile he said:”you look pretty as always”
Lilli blushed and thought:”Oh please don’t be nice with me, not today, not now. Don’t make it more difficult for me please.” She couldn’t say something and took a seat. Then she asked with a nice tone:” so, what’s going on?? What is that all about?”
Joseph:” coz today is not just like any day. After 2 and a half hours from now my princess will turn 30. People just don’t turn 30 everyday, so we have to celebrate that together.”
Lilli thought:“OMG, I totally forgot that!!??? It’s really my birthday. All what happened made me forget. Now how am I going to tell him that we can’t stay together much longer!??” she said:” Oh, Joseph you should not have bothered yourself….I don’t really deserve all that”
Lilli looking down:” No Joseph...I don’t. You just know nothing”
Joseph:” what is it that I don’t know Lil??What’s wrong?”
Lilli looked into his eyes, she didn’t know what to do, whether to tell him the whole truth or not?? Of course he deserved to know, but its hard for her to tell him that all that time she was in love with someone else; that would be devastating for him. Considering not to tell him the truth, then what will she say?????? Dear Joseph, after 2 years of marriage I think we don’t fit for each other???And what is the reason??? Oh absolutely nothing??? Be real Lilli, Joseph is kind but not naïve. He won’t simply let go, he will ask and he is pretty good at detecting lies. After all he is a NSA’s agent.
Joseph:” Lilli, what’s wrong??? Where have you gone??? Talk to me, tell me what’s going on?”
Lilli made up her mind, she can’t keep any more secrets any more. Hurting him now is better then living with him in a big lie all her life. He doesn’t deserve that.
Lilli:” I have I confession to make Joseph……….”
*************************************************
It was 11:35 when Joseph left the restaurant. He accepted the situation quiet well. Well better than she expected. Of course he was shocked and angry. She knew tat from his facial expressions and reactions, but she just wished he would have yelled at her, that would have made her feel really much better. He told her that he will divorce her tomorrow morning and left. After he was gone, she felt relieved for the first time in years. No more lies and no more secrets.
She was about to leave when the garcon approached with a small cake with a candle in its middle. He put it on the table and said:” the Mr. who was in here ordered me to bring that at 11:30. He has paid for it “
Lilli smiled her eyes were happy now but a bit sad. In only half an hour she will turn 30. She thanked the garcon, looked at the cake and thanked Joseph. She felt grateful for him. She cut the cake and took a piece with her fork and said:” happy 30 lonely Lillo”
********************************************************
*****************************
Lilli is a 29 year old woman whom all her life wished to be a man. She felt that she fitted more in the masculine world. Always saw herself as ugly as a beast; however her friends and family see that she was attractive, but they have never told her, or showed her that. Whenever she says that she knows that she is ugly; sometimes they tell her that she isn’t (however she never felt that they really meant it but just trying to make her feel better), but most of the times they say nothing as if they agree with her that she is a beast. Lilli is an average-weight brunette with dark brown eyes. She didn’t resemble perfection and doesn’t look like celebrities. She looks like any ordinary woman, but what she didn’t know that there was something in her that made her different. Something that attracts people to her, something that nobody could tell what is it.
Lilli, still in bed, rubs her eyes and looks to her left to find the same face she sees daily for 2 years. The face of the ambitious faithful husband; Joseph.
The 42 year old national security assistante manager Josef is Lilli’s husband and colleague. Four years ago, Lilli joined the agency. He loved her from the first moment he laid his eyes on her, and within few months he confronted her with his feelings and even proposed. At first, Lilli refused him, claiming that she is willing to concentrate only on her job and she is not thinking of love right now. 2 years ago, Lilli went to Joseph and asked wether his offer is still available or not. Without asking for any details, Joseph was delighted and agreed at once and they quickly got married.
Lilli wakes her husband up quickly and they both quickly got ready and headed to work. Another day of expressing difficult cryptographic problems in mathematic terms. On her way to work, she wished to experience something new on her 30th birthday night, but if she knew what’s going too happen, I think she might have wished for something else.
Entering the NSA elevator,
Joseph:” wish you a good day at work dear, and try to finish early because I have a little surprise for you.” . Giving her a quick kiss on her cheek, he left the elevator on the 3rd floor.
Lilli arrived to the 4th floor, wishing that when the elevator’s door opens she will find a big cake and a surprise party by all her colleagues. The elevator opened its doors showing no cake, no party but all her colleagues were actually there. Lilli stepped out a stood still. However none have noticed her presence, she could notice something new. There was a big fuss and everybody seemed even more busy than usual. What even made her more astonished was seeing the manager standing in the middle of the hall and talking in his cell phone. Fred, the 50 year old manager, waved to Lilli asking her to follow him to his office quickly. Lilli felt that something was not right and quickly followed Fred looking on her both sides to see all her friends running in different directions and looking exhausted, shocked and a little sadness showed on there faces.
Lilli arrived and opened the manager’s office door to find him sitting in his desk as if waiting for her. Fred has always loved Lilli and considered her the daughter he never had and she has always considered him as her father and close friend. Fred was Lilli’s father best friend; he took her and raised her after her parents’ death in a car accident when she was only 9 years old. By the age of 19 Lilli decided to live on her own in a flat, as she has always felt that she was a burden on her beloved god father. That was devastating to Fred to see his child leave, but he was proud of her and glad to know that she has matured and grown up. After showing excellence in her college, Lilli applied to work for the NSA without knowing that Fred was actually in it. She has always believed that he was a business man in the computers’ industry. It has been a shock to her, but they were both happy about it.
Fred looking desperate:”Glad to see you now.”
Lilli:”..Hmm…well, what’s going on???”
Fred with a sad face:”well, we are having a bit of a security situation inhere. 2am this morning someone was able to hack our system.”
Lilli astonished: “WHAT!!!! How could that happen!!!? Nobody have ever before broke out security system, its just not right, it’s impossible.”
Fred: “I know, I still can’t believe that it’s true. What’s even worse is that the hacker implanted a virus, it a bug eating all our information and corrupting our data base.”
Lilli was stroked by the news and tried to make sense of what’s going on. The National Security Agency was actually hacked!!! That could result into a national catastrophe. That was not exactly what she wants to think of on her last day of being 29.
Lilli:”How didn’t any of the NSA computer experts solve that problem?”
Fred:”The hacker is so damn good, he started his attack as I told you 2 am while nobody was in here. The only problem that was facing him was our security systems and programs.”
Lilli:”Yeah, our security systems, how did he break them!!!They are just invincible.”
Fred:”That’s what makes me believe that we have a traitor. Someone from the inside, someone working for us.”
Lilli with her eyes widely opened:” WHAT!!!How could that be even possible!!!”
Fred:” I also believe it’s someone from the computer science/engineering department. They are the only ones who know all the details about the system and the only ones capable of doing such massive damage in no time.”
Lilli still dazzled:”Why??why would anyone do so?”
Fred:”I don’t really know, but maybe we will know later. Maybe he was forced to do so, or maybe he was helping another party.”
Lilli:” you mean like a spy!!!!!?”
Fred:”unfortunately, yes that’s what makes sense to me”
Lilli:” how much of the data was corrupted?”
Fred took a deep breath looked her in the eyes:”30% of the data has been has been deleted, and 10% of the database is corrupted.”
Lilli couldn’t feel her legs; she just fell into one of the two chairs in front of her manager’s desk. The whole thing was new and frightening.
Finally she was able again to collect her strength and ask:”Fred, what’s to be done??How could I help??”
Fred:”that’s why I asked you to come to my office. I have asked for the assistance of the only one suitable for that mission. Someone who doesn’t work for the NSA, as can’t actually trust anyone from the computer department right now. I need a qualified, mastermind computer genius.”
Lilli:”someone not from NSA!! I can’t get that right; we already have all the masterminds from all over the globe. They all wish to work with us. Who is it that can as good as our men and do what they couldn’t do?? ”
Fred:” he actually refused to work with us and works now in one the biggest computer companies in Japan.”
Lilli stood up:”He what!!? He refused to work for NSA!!? How could that be possible? Who is he??”
Fred was uneasy about saying that:” well, actually you…..know him and at the same time, you were the reason of his rejection.”
Lilli trying to make sense of what she heard:”huh!!? I know him and he didn’t join because of me?? Who is it Fred??”
He was sure that she will ask him that question but still he wished she didn’t:”he is an old friend dear, I wish I could have found someone else, but he is the only one for it.”
Lilli got furious:”ok your making it sound terrible, just say the man’s name.”
Fred:” its Robert…Robert Langdon.”
Lilli fell again in the chair; she felt that she was falling from a skyscraper. She was falling deep down into her mind and heart. She felt really bitter and frustrated. She can’t believe her ears; Robert!!After all that time trying to get over him and succeeded in nothing but knowing that she will never forget him. Even after all what happened and after her marriage; she will never be able to move on and just let go.
Lilli with tears in her eyes and a feeble voice:”Why Fred? Why…(couldn’t say his name)..him?”
Fred feeling the hurt of his girl:”I previously told you, he’s the best for that mission.”
Lilli:”then why did you call me??What do have to do with that???”
Fred:”I know its going to be hard, but Lil I need your help. Although Robert is an old friend, still I just can’t lit him into NSA and simply give him all my trust. We must keep in mind that now he will see information what most people on that planet don’t know about. Classified information that even not all the NSA employees know about. I need you to keep an eye on him all the time he will be here.”
“Fred, please I just can’t do that, please I just can’t.”
“Dear Lil, I know but I trust no one in here but you, he supposedly won’t take more than a couple of hours in here.”
“Sorry Fred but find someone else for that mission I just can’t do it.”
She was about to leave when he said fiercely:” Mme Joseph, I am your manager and ordering you to stick to Mr. Langdon during his stay. It’s an emergency and I am not accepting any excuses.”
Lilli looked him in the eyes with anger and frustration but could say nothing but:” yes, sir”
Fred took a deep breath then said still in a fierce voice:” and now there is a car waiting for you to take you to the airport to meet him. The plane will arrive at 9:30 and it’s already 9, thus you should e moving.”
Lilli nodded and headed quickly outside the NSA’s massive building and found a big black car waiting for her. The open the door, entered the car. She didn’t need to say anything to the driver who seemed to know their destination. Lilli dazing through the window and kept recalling every little detail and not believing that he was able again to intrude her life after all these years.
Robert Langdon was Lilli’s best friend and love in college. From the first moment she laid her eyes on him she was enchanted by his glamorous confident eyes and charming smile. Her heart pumped with joy when she found him coming closer towards her and even sitting beside her on their first lecture in the first year of college. She didn’t even ask for more but he then started talking to her and they quickly became best friends. He was very protective and caring with her and that made her love him even more. They talked daily after college on the phone or on the internet for hours talking about nothing but she just felt better just talking to him. He always told her that e cares for her more than anyone in that world and that he can’t imagine a day passing without talking to her. All of that made her truly believe that he loves her but did he ever mention that word…LOVE!? Actually no, Robert has never said to her that he loves her. He said every possible thing to show that, but never actually said it. He showed how much he cares for her, how crazily he gets jealous when he thinks that she attracted to someone else and sometimes asking her to talk to nobody but him, and how miserable he used to be when she didn’t talk to him for a day or two even if for a good reason. All how much he cared for her and that he loved but who could be sure of that??? And that what made her really nervous for a while and have doubts wether she has been imagining that he likes her? Or is it because she is just not good enough for him? That’s what she really believed. She always told herself:” why would someone that handsome look at a girl like her specially that he had lots of hot girls that are his friends and they all liked him so much.
College was over, and day after day Lilli’s love, anxiety, and love increased. She wanted to know wether he loved her or not, but she was just to shy to confront him. She didn’t want to make a fool of herself if he didn’t love her. One day she told him that she wants to see him as soon as possible, and as usual he agreed and told her to meet her at once in a café they used to meet in for studying, but actually they used to do nothing but talk and have fun and enjoying passing their time together. Just seeing him filled her heart with joy, seeing his care and jealousy made her fly out of happiness. How magical his words were to her ears. She went to the café to find him there waiting for her. He looked very happy and even more handsome. She decided to lie to him and tell him that she will live abroad to see his reaction.
He stood up:”Hey Lillo, hope that everything is ok, coz I want to tell you something too.”
Lilli sitting beside him as usual:”really!…hmm… well for me everything is just alright…I think, what about you.”
Robert:”you think!!?What do you mean by that??”
Lilli feeling really stupid and wished not to say what she was about to say:”I just wanted to see you to tell you that I will travel next week to France.” She believed that she has seen tears in his eyes for a second when he then said:”u mean like for a couple of days?”
Lilli with her face down:”no I mean to live there”
Robert in shock:”Live there!??France!?Why? Why is that? What happened?”
Lilli:”nothing just nothing I just want to visit new places and experience a new life style.”
Robert his eyes and mouth widely opened:” A new life?? And what’s wrong with your old one? Don’t you think it’s good enough for you?”
Lilli’s eyes were now the ones full of tears she couldn’t say anything and felt horrible to see her love in such shock, but a little happy as she felt that he was in a way trying to tell her to stay maybe for him.
Robert:” Why did you take such a decision without telling me, I though that you were telling me everything you do like I do. I trusted you. Lilli you have been my best friend for many successive years, we shared a lot together, then why didn’t you share with me that decision, that devastating decision. I have been a good and faithful friend that I think I deserved to know.”
They both were silent for a couple of minutes, and Robert was looking away from Lilli then he took a deep breath and said:”well, I have nothing to tell you. All what I can say is good luck Lilli, good luck with your new French life dear friend.”
Lilli quickly interrupted:”if you don’t want me to go then just say it, please if you really want me to stay I won’t mind.”
Robert with a sad tone in his voice:”and why would I say so and why would you stay? There is nothing of you interest in here, then go ahead maybe you would find there what’s better for you. You really deserve the best …sweetest Lillo ever.”
Lilli:” Please forget all what I said. I you want me here then say it, and that will be the last thing I will ask from you, please Robert tell me what you want me to do.”
Robert:”oh Lilli, I think you are old enough now to take your own decisions and as I told you I wish you nothing but the best of luck.” He looked at his watch and added” and now am sorry I really have to go right now. Have a nice trip.”
Lilli’s tears falling, couldn’t help herself from not grapping his hand saying:”what are you saying won’t you even drive me to the airport??”
Robert looked back to her and said:”why are you crying now, you will live in France, la ville d’amour. You should be happy right now. My advice for you is to go ahead and travel.”
He was about to leave again when she pulled him back from his hand:” won’t you tell me what you wanted to tell me now??”
Robert:”well there is no need now for that, never mind. Take care Lilli please.” And he left.
Lilli fell into her chair, her tears fell involuntary. In her mind only one idea:”if he really loved me he would have said that now”. All what he said and did now might be because he liked her as a friend or a sister but not in the same way as she loved him. If he was the one leaving she would have begged him to stay and not wishing him the best of luck. That conclusion made her desperate. 2 days after their meeting she called him to find his room mate telling her that he has received an offer to work in one of the best computer companies in Japan 3 days ago and he had taken today’s plane. She couldn’t believe what she heard!! He travelled!! He left her without even telling her goodbye!!? Didn’t she deserve that?? At that moment she decided not to think about him anymore, however she knew she won’t ever be able to do so, yet she decided that she will try coz now she has nothing to lose. The only thing she cared for was him but now he left her alone behind. He was the only thing she would be afraid to lose and now she lost him already. However she is thinking of him all the time, she feels towards him different feelings, love and frustration. She always wished to see him to hug him, hit him and blame him. However she was about to meet him now after all these years, she didn’t really know what will she do when she sees him and wether he knows that she it will be there waiting for him, and what will his reaction be.
The driver’s voice returned Lilli back to the reality:”Mme, we have arrived, and I will wait for you in the parking lot.”
Lilli descended out of the car, her legs were trembling as she entered the airport afraid of that unexpected but desirable meeting. Standing in front of the arrival gate, the minuets passed as if hours recalling in them the years she passed her best days of her whole life and had her most magnificent memories during them. Suddenly she noticed the familiar glamorous eyes she fell in love with. She suddenly forgot every moment she blamed him; she was now flying high and diving into those charming eyes. She felt young again and all her fears faded away. A small smile appeared on her face when she waved to Robert. On the other hand, Robert was as shocked as herself when she knew what her mission was. He couldn’t feel the ground behind him. He felt that the whole world was spinning or that he was in fairy tale. Are his eyes deceiving him or is it really the love of his life was standing 3 meters in front of him and even waving to him. How could that happen after all that time??
*****************************************************
However the weather was cold that that day, both felt a familiar old warmth. The kept gazing at each other for a while. It is the most uncomfortable moment ever, but still both have wished for it so long ago. Robert looked at her amazed; it’s her really, his Lillo. She only looks more sophisticated in that work suit. Her face showed confidence; she turned to be a successful, elegant lady. On the other hand, Lilli has always imagined Robert to look just as masculine and sure as he looks right now in his black business suit. From the look on his eyes she knew that he didn’t expect seeing her. She just wanted to keep standing still doing nothing but looking to his face, but unfortunately, that was not actually possible.
Robert trying to be as calm as possible:”hey…hmm…what are you doing here? Is it just a coincidence???”
Lilli made a faint laugh:” ah, well no its not. I am the head of the mathematic department in NSA and I was assigned to accompany you during your quick visit.”
Robert nodded and without any further talking, Lilli guided him to the car they both got in, each looked through the window trying to understand that whole situation. Both wanted to break that annoying silence but they just couldn’t. Despite of her love, she can’t just simply forget how deeply he had hurt her. How easily he stabbed her in her heart by his leaving. After 15 minuets of silence, the ice wall between them started to melt;
Robert hardly asked:”so…how are you?”
Lilli feeling that she has been running for years and suddenly came to a stop. She looked him directly into his eyes and answered:” I am fine….yeah sure, am absolutely fine.”
Robert with a bit of a harsh tone:” yeah sure, you’re a NSA agent, I bet you are living your best days ever.” .Looking back to the window.
Lilli just wanted to strike him on the head thinking:” Err, I just hate that tone you use, it makes me feel guilty and AM NOT!!”, but she tried to be as calm and normal as possible when she said:” Not exactly, however working with NSA is exciting, it’s totally exhausting and taking all my time.”
Robert looking at her with a faint smile:” taking all your time, but I can see that you look…amazing” then he quickly looked back to the window.
Lilli stared at him couldn’t believe what he has just said:”did he just say that I look…….oh dear lord”
He interrupted her thought when he added arrogantly while looking through the window:” well, as for me I love my work. It’s just enjoyable and gives me all what I want. These years in Japan of course are the best of my whole life. I have never felt that amount of happiness, content, relief and satisfaction before.”
Tears were about to fall from Lilli’s eyes. Her face turned red quickly. She faced the window, closed her eyes in a successful attempt to prevent tears from falling. She is now experiencing different feelings at the same time. She felt shocked, rage, anger and sudden weakness. The main thing she felt was that she was pathetic. His best years were those he spent in Japan!!! Happiness, content, relief and satisfaction!!! She had felt those feelings also, but with him. She felt that she was very stupid that one day she thought that he loved her. She has spent each minuet thinking of him and couldn’t ever overcome or live her life normally. She has never loved anyone else nor had a good friend like him. She couldn’t find someone else to trust and share her secrets with. Even her…her own…her own husband, oh my good, Joseph!! She has totally forgotten al about him since she knew that she will meet Robert. Joseph, the faithful, loyal husband who endured her for 2 years of a miserable marriage. Joseph showed how deep he loved Lilli from the fist sight. When he proposed to her after just few months from knowing her, she refused. She was shocked actually; the idea that someone has really loved her and wanted to spend all his life with her has really impressed her. She was happy but at the same time she was embarrassed. She has always seen herself as undesirable and the idea of someone coming to her saying that he loves her that much and even propose was absolutely enormous for her to bear, but still, what could be her excuse to reject him? He was a man that many women dream of; successful, handsome, gentile and kind. The problem is that she just didn’t love him nor could forget her true love. She told him that she wasn’t thinking of having any relationships right now, she just wants to focus on her new job. She tried to avoid him whenever she could. Every time she looks into his eyes and see that desperate look on his face she felt even guiltier. It took her 2 years more to agree and accept his offer. She was already 28 years old by then, she though:” what am I waiting for all these years, you are getting old Lil, and you should move on. You will find no one better than Joseph to marry. He loves you so much, and maybe he will help you forget your past miserable experience. Joseph loves you, what else do you want??” Lilli agreed and decided and promised herself to try to make him very happy coz he deserved that for his love and for waiting for her 2 years. She really decided that but did she really fulfill her promise??? Normally, Lilli couldn’t devote her love and heart to someone else. She respected him everyday more, she was a good wife, but she never truly loved him. Sometimes she thought that he could feel that, she could tell that from his looks, but he never mentioned it. That made her feel horrible, she felt that he deserved more and that she was totally unfair with him. He deserved a wife that loves him. Joseph really deserved the best, someone indeed better than her. A wife who sees him as the best thing that has ever happened to her. A wife who has the same feelings just like those Lilli has for Robert.
Lilli with an angry tone looking straight to him:”really!!! That’s great; I have also started my own new life. I got married to the NSA’s assistant manager, Joseph Longbottom.”
Robert seemed not surprised of the news but a bit disappointed:” well, I expected that…congratulations, you have always wished to start a new life, I am glad that you did.” He said that without even looking to her and both were silent for minuets when he added:” so Madame Joseph, do you love do you love Mr. Longbottom??”
Lilli suddenly felt that she was falling into an endless well;”why Robert? Why this question???” She hesitantly answered:” I am already married to him so what do you think or what’s the difference now?? And he loves me unconditionally, he loved me from the first moment he saw me four years ago and after a couple of months he proposed.”
Robert:” so you have been married for 4 years now?”
Lilli clearing her throat:”no we got married 2 years ago”
Robert:” 2 years ago!!!? Why didn’t you marry when he first asked you?”
Lilli looking down, playing with her fingers:”….I just wasn’t ready I think….I wanted to concentrate on my work”
Robert:” keep in mind that you didn’t answer my first question”
Lilli pretending not to know:” huh!? What question??”
Robert:” do you love him Lillo??” his eyes showed nothing but passion.
Repeating the question was not as hard as hearing him saying “Lillo” again. His voice overwhelmed her. She didn’t know how to answer that question, she wanted to show him that she was very happy with her life and wasn’t thinking of him and never though of him more than a good friend, since it seems that that’s how he had always felt towards her. Fortunately, the diver interrupted them announcing their arrival. Lilli now wanted to thank the driver for rescuing her. She smiled and said:” welcome to NSA Mr. Robert”.
It’s already 10:45 when Lilli knocked on the manager’s office door and entered.
Fred:” Welcome Mr. Robert, have a seat please. ” he could see that both didn’t look alright. He already knows it’s not easy fro Lilli to see Robert again, but right now they had no other choice. Looking back at Robert:” I think you don’t need any further details and you know what to do to stop that catastrophe.” Robert nodded and Fred added:” great then lets get started, we want any further loses. Lilli please take him to one of the computers and I would prefer to use your computer” he gave her a look that she totally understood. He wanted him to use her computer so that she would trace later on whether he accessed any valuable information that he doesn’t have to access.
Robert stood up Fred thanked him for coming and Lilli took him and headed to her office. As they walked to her office and despite of her anger from him, Lilli couldn’t help herself not to feel excited a little. They entered her office, she closed the door, asked him to sit on her desk and start his work and she sat on a coach near by.
Lilli:” I will have to warn you not to trust anyone in here except Fred and me.”
Robert surprised:” and why is that??”
Lilli:” coz we think he attack is from someone from the inside.”
Robert frowned:”Really, so are you sure to trust you and Fred only and no one else????”
Lilli:”yes….”
Robert:”even Joseph???”
Lilli stared at him in a shock, didn’t really know what he meant by his question and even what’s worse she didn’t know how to answer him. She finally said hesitantly:” I trust Joseph, but Fred as a manager of that agency doesn’t, or maybe he does trust him, I don’t know. But the order was clear; trust no one, clear???”
Robert in a sarcastic tone:”Yes Mme”
She looked back to him with a half smile and raised one of her eye brows:” so what’s your plan?? What will you do to find who’s behind that???”
Robert while typing on the keyboard:” I have created a new security program that could trace the hacker from his previous actions, thus obtaining his IP. Nobody actually knows about that new program except a few people in the company I work for. Now the people knowing about it increased by one” he said that last sentence with a smile on his face and looking at Lilli for a moment then returned back to the screen.
Lilli blushed instantly then added:” but if the program is going to do all the work then why did you bother to come by yourself?? Why didn’t you send it by mail.”
Robert:” because as I said right now, the program is not announced to public yet, so I cant take that risk to give it to someone else to deliver it and in addition I cant simply give it to anyone to use it, see my own creation, use it without my permission.”
Lilli:” ok, I will top talking so as not to distract you.”
Robert:” it will only take me an hour to setup the program and make it start its search, and then we will have time to talk.”
Lilli smiled to him then added:” great and I will go and get us something to drink.” She went out and returned in 15 minuets with two cups of coffee. She put one beside Robert on the desk, and returned back and sat on the coach. She kept watching him working; he seemed really serious and busy. She didn’t get bored of sitting still doing nothing at all. She didn’t feel the time passing by and even enjoyed every second. She missed looking at him for so long. As much as she wished for that hour no to end, she also wished that he would finish quickly and start talking with her.
At the same time in a fancy restaurant, Joseph was reserving a table for two tonight to celebrate his wife’s 30th birthday as an attempt to make her feel happy or showing her how deeply he loved her.
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It is 12:05 pm when Robert took a deep breath, looked at Lilli who turned quickly her face away as if she wasn’t looking at him and hoping that he didn’t notice her.
Robert:” ok now it’s now the program role to tell us the source of the attack.” He stood up, held the cup of coffee and went to sit on the leather chair placed beside the coach that Lilli was sitting on. Lilli got nervous and took a big sip of her coffee, cleared her throat and the said:” hmm…and now how will we know that your program detected someone??”
Robert:” we will hear a peep, don’t worry. So how was your trip to France?? Didn’t you decide to live there???”
Lilli looking in her cup:”I have never been to France. I didn’t go”
Robert:”why is that, may I know??”
Lilli still looking down:”… things just didn’t go as I wish and after a few months I applied to work here and I was quickly employed.”
Robert in a low tone:” of course they hired you quickly, where would they fined someone better than you.” He added smiling:” You were one of the best in college….remember??”
Lilli:”I have never forgot those days, they were the best days of my life.”
Robert:” Indeed, they were the best fro me too.”
Lilli made a sarcastic laugh then added:”I though you said your best days were in Japan.”
Robert:”uhh..no, I didn’t mean that.”
Lilli raising her 2 eyebrows:“the why did you say that you have never felt that amount of happiness, content, relief and satisfaction before.”
Robert stood up and moved to the middle of the room, his back to Lilli and looking down:” I mean that…..” looking to her now:” I really had fun when we were together, indeed I did. But still, when I moved to Japan, everything has changed to me the new life style, new job and my….” His cell phone rang. He put his right hand in his pocket and answered. Lilli was stood up and was about to tell him that he wasn’t allowed to talk in the phone when she saw what she didn’t expect to see. She was as if has been stroked by a lightning, but she was sure she wasn’t hallucinating. That shiny ring in his right hand was actually an engagement ring……
Robert hanged up, put the phone back into his pocket and looked at Lilli, surprised to find her tears falling:” what’s wrong Lilli!!?What happened why are you crying??”
Lilli couldn’t believe herself, but couldn’t help herself no more not to speak up and shout out loud with all what she has kept inside her for so many years;”What’s wrong?? Don’t you know what’s wrong???? You are engaged Robert, that’s what’s wrong.” Robert stupefied in his place in a shock of what he heard, but Lilli went on:”when were you about to tell me??huh, when??”
Robert:” what’s wrong Lilli? We have just met!!!!!!!! Why are you making it sound like a big deal?? Why are you exaggerating it???”
Lilli:” Exaggerating??? No sir, am not, and am sorry but to me it is a big deal.” She felt fro a moment that he was right, they have just met!! But you know what? She didn’t regret it, she was mad, really mad at him for so long and always wanted to see him to let him now that. She added:” and ok as you say we have just met, but I told you that I got married.”
Robert:” I don’t know I just didn’t feel that it was a good chance to say that”
Lilli:” ooh no Robert it was your only good chance, but you know what, that is just typically you; you never tell, you just like to live with your own secrets.”
Robert in a shocked angry voice:” What!!! I cant believe what you are saying??? We have known each other for so long; would you please mention for me only one thing that I haven’t told you about???”
Lilli:” ooh, I don’t know, well let me think.., ah, remember travelling to Japan without even leaving a note to someone thought that you considered her as a friend!!!”
Robert:” I can believe that you want to talk about that right now?”
Lilli:” unfortunately I didn’t see you before and I just can’t wait any longer. I need answers and now.”
Robert:” answers for what?”
Lilli raising her voice:”Robert, don’t play that game with me.”
They both looked at each another and nothing was said.…
Lilli wiping her tears:” have you ever loved me??”
Robert:”of course I did.”
Lilli:” then why didn’t you tell me???”
Robert took a deep breath then added:”oh Lilli, you are taking me back so long ago. Remember that day at the café when you said that you were going to France?? After we have finished college. That day I told you that I want to tell you something. On that day I received a proposal to work in Japan. I was so excited and happy and I wanted to tell you as fast as I could. I though that this would be the best occasion to let you know of my feeling. I though it would be great to tell you that I love you. On that day I was going to propose to you so that we would travel and spend the rest of our life together. Then when I met you and heard your plans and that you didn’t like your present life and wanted to go for a change. That have really hurt me coz for me it was only enough to stay with you. In that moment I knew that you didn’t love me as much as I do and I couldn’t handle to hear anymore. So I left, I went to Japan hear broken. Focused all my attention on my work and then decided to move on. Last year I met Sue, a brilliant fun Japanese woman working in another computer company. We liked each other, started to go out, then I discovered that I love her…she knew what makes me happy and cared to do it. She made me feel… I don’t know how to say it, but a day can’t pass without seeing her. So we quickly got engaged and….next week is our wedding.”
Involuntary Lilli feel on her knees, her face covered with her hands which became soaked with her tears. She was now crying uncontrollably.
Robert kneeled in front of her, tabbed her on the shoulder and said:” Lillo, please don’t cry. That was years ago. I had to move on, just like you did!”
Lilli removed his hand and stood up quickly, her eyes were as red as blood:”Oooh, you are so wrong Robert, so wrong. I have always loved you I can’t believe that you didn’t know that. And I never moved on, you were always with me in my mind and heart. I wish I had moved on really so that I won’t have suffered as I did. If I moved on wouldn’t be up here crying now pathetically in front of you saying how much I love you and making a fool of myself. If I moved on, then I would be spending the last two years feeling guilty that I can’t love my own husband. The man who loved me and loves me still. The man who didn’t run away or give up or as you have done MOVED ON when I refused him once.” Her breath was increasing and heart was pumping, she couldn’t believe herself that she has actually said all of that!!!! She calmed down and added:” I fell totally pathetic but I am glad that I have told you what I wanted to say so long ago. The last thing that I want to say is that I regret every minuet I have though of you.”
Lilli couldn’t say anything more, she felt a burden have been removed when suddenly the computer made a peep, announcing that they have a suspect. Both stood still looking at each other, and then Robert moved to the computer and said:” I think I got his IP I think he is really from within, more specifically in the department of…”
Lilli interrupted:” stop, I don’t want to know, and I just don’t care any more.” She turned and headed to the door, Robert called back on her but she didn’t look back at him. She didn’t know what she was doing or where were her legs taking her, but she found herself in front of Fred’s office. She then knew exactly what to do. She entered without knocking. Fred jumped out of chair and ran to her when he saw her looking terrible:”what’s wring Lilli, what happened????why are you crying????”
Lilli:”don’t worry Fred, I did what I should have done earlier and now am fine, I just came here to inform you that I quit. I don’t want to be a NSA agent anymore. I had enough of work. Currently I need sometimes with myself.”
Fred amazed:”what are you saying??? I will refuse of course”
Lilli:” I don’t care but am not coming here again. Please Fred leave me right now. I need to get far away.”
Fred:” where will you go now??”
Lilli holding the door knot:” frankly…I don’t know”
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It was already 1:38 when Lilli went out of the NSA’s building. She looked back at it for the last time and then kept walking. Without having any specific destination she just walked and walked. All the events that happened today were being flashbacked in her mind. She also started to remember again loads of memories she had at college. Memories that made her laugh involuntarily while walking. Memories that have enlighten her life. It was actually Robert, the first one to make her feel that she was worthy. Now he had easily made her feel the worst feeling ever. Desperation and silliness. Yes she felt so silly and embarrassed of what she has done and even regretted that. What will he think now and say about you Lilli??he has moved on, got engaged and his wedding is next week. He must be feeling pitiful for you now. That idea just made her feel even more terrible. Trying to make herself feel better, she convinced herself that that was absolutely normal and she was right. She kept wondering around in nowhere for hours and hours it was even getting dark. She didn’t notice that she was in the middle of a park except when her cell phone rang; it was her husband Joseph.
Lilli:” hello, Joseph.”
Joseph:” hey dear, I have heard that you have quitted today?? Is that true??”
Lilli:” yes, but it’s just that…please Joseph I don’t want to discuss that now if that why you called.”
Joseph:”no and I don’t care to know, all I care for now is that you go home, have a shower, dress your best and meet me at your favorite restaurant, you will find me waiting for you there at 9pm.”
Lilli sadly:” ok I will.”
Joseph:” then don’t be late, bye”
Lilli hanged up, looked at her watch to find that it’s 5:24. She couldn’t believe that she has been walking for more than 3 hours. She called for a taxi and went back home. Entered the bath room and to take a shower. She felt that the water was drifting away all her thoughts, she decided to let go. There was only one last thing to do. It’s Joseph, she can’t bear to keep on hurting him and making him live in misery more. He just doesn’t deserve that, he indeed deserved a better life. She knew now that it is the end for his own good.
She dressed her best as Joseph asked her to, and then packed all her cloths in a big bag. She decided to travel somewhere else, maybe France….to start a new life, but that time for real. While packing and for the first time ever, she kept remembering all the good times she had with Joseph. Maybe if she has given him a go then maybe she would have loved him. That idea made her even feels more guilty and uneasy about their meeting. But how would she love him if her mind and heart were with someone else?? Then how did Robert move on and loved someone else???? Maybe she didn’t try hard to forget him??? Maybe she was afraid to lose the last thing about him, his memory??? He was the first to change her look about herself. The first to make her feel a bit more confident. All of that was true but still she now feels that she is a horrible person and that she was unfair with Joseph from the very beginning. She tried to stop thinking about everything and try once to think about Joseph. She knows that she just cant love him, but she needed to think how to tell him that in the best way ever. She just didn’t want to hurt him anymore. She kept going around and around trying to prepare what to say but she couldn’t find something appropriate. She looked again at her watch and she found that its 8:15 already!!!! How did they time fly by that quickly she couldn’t know. Se only knew that she must get moving as she doesn’t want to be late. Took the big bag and her purse and headed to the garage to take her car. Thanks to the traffic jam, she arrived at 9:30. She entered to see Joseph sitting in their regular place.
Lilli:” I am really so terribly sorry for being late, it’s the traffic I swear.”
Joseph stood up with a sweet smile he said:”you look pretty as always”
Lilli blushed and thought:”Oh please don’t be nice with me, not today, not now. Don’t make it more difficult for me please.” She couldn’t say something and took a seat. Then she asked with a nice tone:” so, what’s going on?? What is that all about?”
Joseph:” coz today is not just like any day. After 2 and a half hours from now my princess will turn 30. People just don’t turn 30 everyday, so we have to celebrate that together.”
Lilli thought:“OMG, I totally forgot that!!??? It’s really my birthday. All what happened made me forget. Now how am I going to tell him that we can’t stay together much longer!??” she said:” Oh, Joseph you should not have bothered yourself….I don’t really deserve all that”
Lilli looking down:” No Joseph...I don’t. You just know nothing”
Joseph:” what is it that I don’t know Lil??What’s wrong?”
Lilli looked into his eyes, she didn’t know what to do, whether to tell him the whole truth or not?? Of course he deserved to know, but its hard for her to tell him that all that time she was in love with someone else; that would be devastating for him. Considering not to tell him the truth, then what will she say?????? Dear Joseph, after 2 years of marriage I think we don’t fit for each other???And what is the reason??? Oh absolutely nothing??? Be real Lilli, Joseph is kind but not naïve. He won’t simply let go, he will ask and he is pretty good at detecting lies. After all he is a NSA’s agent.
Joseph:” Lilli, what’s wrong??? Where have you gone??? Talk to me, tell me what’s going on?”
Lilli made up her mind, she can’t keep any more secrets any more. Hurting him now is better then living with him in a big lie all her life. He doesn’t deserve that.
Lilli:” I have I confession to make Joseph……….”
*************************************************
It was 11:35 when Joseph left the restaurant. He accepted the situation quiet well. Well better than she expected. Of course he was shocked and angry. She knew tat from his facial expressions and reactions, but she just wished he would have yelled at her, that would have made her feel really much better. He told her that he will divorce her tomorrow morning and left. After he was gone, she felt relieved for the first time in years. No more lies and no more secrets.
She was about to leave when the garcon approached with a small cake with a candle in its middle. He put it on the table and said:” the Mr. who was in here ordered me to bring that at 11:30. He has paid for it “
Lilli smiled her eyes were happy now but a bit sad. In only half an hour she will turn 30. She thanked the garcon, looked at the cake and thanked Joseph. She felt grateful for him. She cut the cake and took a piece with her fork and said:” happy 30 lonely Lillo”
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