Thursday, August 15, 2013

Migrated to Wordpress

Dear Readers ( if any :D)

I have migrated my blog to wordpress and will no longer post or update this blogger blog. If you want to keep up with my latest posts then check my blog out

Thanks and Regards,

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Turning Point

Can you feel what I feel !?

The amazing air breeze in the morning mingling through your hair and moving swiftly across your skin. The pleasant sound of silence that fills your soul with peace. When suddenly the world, that just a few days ago seemed to be messed around, scrambled, and nothing seem to be in its right place, seems just perfect. All the fuss and noise simply vanish and everything become very clear and transparent. For the first time in 23 years old I feel peaceful. For the first time I feel confident, strong and whole. For the first time I write about what I feel and refer to myself, not just write in a mysteriously hidden way about things only I know about, or even somethings I don't know about! For the first time ever, I am not scared :)

Years and years we live miserably, lost and shattered. Trying to figure out the reason for our existence or even a meaning to our lives. For that we keep busy and overwhelmed, trying to understand and figure out, what should I do and shouldn't I ? Regretting some actions and blaming others for some other. We keep busy, for so long, chasing something that don't actually exists! Yes, lets face it, life is meaningless, or at least we don't know what really is the point of it. So we are trying to find a meaning for actually a meaningless thing! It's just like trying to find a bird playing around deep down in the ocean. It tires us out so much, yet we got used to that, that we even forgot to stop for just one second and think of what are we doing !? Life is meaningless, so don't bother try to convince yourself otherwise. Actually that is a good thing, if life is meaninglessness, then you can have fun and never bother for the bad things that happen. Simply enjoy and make the best out of your short existence on that weird place called planet earth.

For that I am happy, for that I am accepting life and actually loving it.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


Just like a butterfly we all are, starting as a tiny little worm.Small, tiny and feeling plain and sometimes even feeling worthless. Shy to face the world or show our true core. Sometimes even scared to face that truth that we do matter! Hiding from the crowd, denying that we, like all other creatures are important and of great impact. We hide from the scenes and from ourselves. We hide our true character and personality from others. We don't share what we truly think, feel or do. For lots and lots of reasons. Sometimes, we are shy to tell, sometimes we feel like we don't want to bother others.

Then suddenly, out of no where and for absolute no reason, something happens. Something weird, yet special. Something powerful and very gentle; full of energy and filled with poise. This thing can be anything, and can be nothing. Its really complicated and mysterious, yet you will just feel and know it. That moment when you feel whole ! You are missing nothing, you have got it all, you own the entire world within your palms. In that legendary moment, a moment where time freezes waiting for you to go through your most spectacular experience and transformation. Its the moment where the whole world stands still, watching you become the most beautiful butterfly.
At that moment, you stop caring, bothering or worrying. You simply start BREATHING, for the very first time in your life. Your first time to feel alive, the first time to be calm. No more worries or issues to think over. Decision making feels easy like never before. You feel confident, relieved, like you own everything and everything is simply easy and nice and not worth your efforts. Life becomes sweeter :)

Friday, September 21, 2012

I am not Sorry

Dear community,

I am not sorry!

I am not sorry for being different and for not binding to your stupid rules.
I am not sorry for loving from all my heart till I broke it by my own self.
I am not sorry for making mistakes and taking bad decisions.
I am not sorry for the confidence in my eyes, and spirit in my soul.
I am not sorry for being a dreamer, looking forward to catch up with the starts.
I am not sorry that I don't settle, I seek the peak.
I am not sorry for living my life, my own way.

Frankly, I am not sorry at all :)

We are living in a world were people lack morals, values and have no principles in life. They do things because the got used to it, or found their parents do it. Just like the non-believers years ago used to and we mock them, while actually we are just like them!

For that I am sorry, I am sorry that we are living in a decaying world that seems to be very confident from the outside, yet deeply corrupted and falling apart from the inside. Its very ugly and full of hatred and bad energy, yet it never admits that.

I am really sorry that I am part of a community that don't believe in human rights.
I am really sorry that I am part of a community that steal, lie, kill, rape, deceive, gossip and betray, yet claim to be very religious.
I am really sorry that I am part of a community that due to the large amount of racism it faced become racist.

I am really sorry, but I will no longer care about your judgements :)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Meaningless ... that is how everything mean now to me. Nothing, void, null, tasteless and pointless. are words that are totally meaningless, but the most true and realistic to me right now. Normally I don't openly write what I experience or feel. Normally because I was too shy or afraid of people's judgements or I felt that some things are supposed to be hidden and kept as secrets as long as I still breath. All of that, now, to me doesn't mean anything. I no longer care. Neither about myself nor about others nor even life as a whole.

Last May I experienced a severe state of depression like never before. In which I realized that life is so damn pointless and meaningless. Currently, I got over my depression and entered a new phase, I call it the "Living Dead" phase or the "3aboko koloko" phase.

Now lets think properly, and please don't judge nor get me wrong, but here are some questions that I cant find answers to:
What is the whole point of life and death? If its already known and God knows everything in advance and nothing happens without the will of God ... !? I tried to think this matter over and over again and I never figured out a realistic answer which made me conclude that the answer to this question is not known to us, no one on earth knows the real reason behind our creation. And don't tell me we are created to worship god and earth's construction and development. I do already know that, yet God doesn't need us to do either of that. So my mind tells me there is another reason, yet we don't know!

What does the world happiness mean? What is it like to be happy, or how do we measure happiness? What if you have done everything that makes you happy, you achieved all your life's amazing dreams and now you are on the top of the world ... what's next ? and what was the point of that ? You want to be appreciated and your name to be craved on the pages of history .... Why ? Why make effort in a life that is totally meaningless ? Life is so meaningless, why bother !? there is no such thing as real happiness. It's just a swift of ups and downs.
Also on the other side, there is no such thing as sadness, why feel sad for anything that is not of great matter or totally out of your hand?

Friends, family, work, obligations, responsibilities, goals, dreams, failures, rules ..... things we allowed to control our lives and makes us really miserable and extremely busy without even thinking, why are doing all of that!?

This post is not supposed to inspire you with anything, nor send a certain message or make you believe or see what I am seeing now, because I am 100% sure you won't. You will find all the answers to these questions easily and feel like I am crazy or my mind  has been corrupted or I lost faith. 

Seriously .... I don't care

All what I want now is to get out of this life as soon as possible in the best way. I can't stand being overwhelmed with what we call life ... to me this is no life. There is a life somewhere, at sometime, in a parallel universe waiting for me to live.

To me life lost it's meaning and charm. Death doesn't scare me although I am absolutely not ready to meet God now, but eventually I will met him .... in the way he wants. And that is when life will begin and things will have a true meaning. It's when I hope I may get answers to my questions.

By that I don't become wise nor think I am. In people's terms and definitions, I would be called a miserable maniac. For me, I am just lost !

Monday, May 14, 2012


Since I was a child, I have always hated number 3 ... to me it was pure evil! It's odd, prime and even looks ugly! I just hate it and all its derivatives and anything made up of 3 elements ... just like triangles!

A triangle is just stupid to me, it is too lazy to work hard and catch up to be a nice big polygon nor flexible enough to make a circle. Although that’s what makes it unique, I just don’t like it. However, if I am given a piece of paper and a pen, all my scribbles will be just a bunch of triangles, I keep on drawing different triangles in different sizes, Intersecting triangles, and even make up different shapes out of small triangles. My subconscious has been always full of triangles, and I never thought I will be stuck in one!

Our lives are full of situations that can alter our daily routines and even our personalities. We can also feel like we are trapped in a maze, or infinite loops, a circle! A big endless circle, where we keep running, you can’t define where the starting point is and where the ending one is. You are just hoping and wishing we will reach the end at a certain moment. Wishing we will find what we want at the end of the road, and having the faith and will to keep us running and running for so many times. We can’t see the end or the depth of the loop we are trapped in, and that is exactly why we don’t lose hope quickly.  Just like our faith for GOD’s existence, we don’t see him, yet we all know he is there and that’s what keeps us alive and gives us strength. And maybe that’s why GOD has created most things in the form of a circle. The planets, the atoms, the circle of life, cells, our circulatory system, even time … I think just everything is made up of circles … Circles are good.

What can really kill one’s soul is to be stuck in a triangular loop.  If you are in a triangular loop, you start at one of the 3 anchor points believing that it is the starting point and in front of you at a certain distance you can see the end point!! Just a few miles away. You are happy, and very hopeful and sure that you are reaching your goal very soon. The faster you run, the closer your goal seems to be. And finally, you are just there, making the last step! You reached your destination – or so you thought – you were so confident and happy. But your happiness won’t last for long, the point you have reached wasn’t the end, there is another route waiting for you! You thought you made it, well actually you didn’t. You tell yourself never mind, no big deal you have been through that before and you can do it again. You take a deep breath and start running in the second arc of the triangle, hopeful and happy as you get closer to the new anchor point and once you reach it with a victory smile, all the triumphed feeling vanish when you see the new road waiting for you to cross! 3 to 5 loops in a triangle can be enough to make you desperate and makes you lose hope and faith. The disappointment in a triangular loop can simply break you into pieces and that’s what make a triangular loop lethal.

However at the end both are endless loops, and in addition to that the circle loop gives you no indication of how far you have got, or how much you have passed, I believe we still prefer not to be disappointed. We set for ourselves imaginary facts that keep us hopeful and capable of enduring the bitterness of life. We deceive our own selves to survive. I don’t know if that is sick and pathetic or creative. All I know is that its easier to live in a dream rather than living up to it … and that’s not so good.


It’s not in articulating the best answer nor perfect phrases. It’s not in knowing all the answers or being intellectual. Wisdom is not limited to successful, celebrities and politicians. It’s a magical talent that if you gain; you will have all the power within your palms. Wisdom is not about having the louder or stronger voice. It’s not about believing that you are right or being told so.

From my point of view, wisdom is a rich feeling of peacefulness. It’s when you seem you are in the weaker position, but you don’t care or struggle to prove you are not. It’s the moment when you prefer to stay silent in the sea of screams. You don’t care you are wrong or right, it’s never important on which shore you land, or on what team you play, what really matters is reaching your goals in the way you want that doesn’t conflict with others. You don’t ignore others, you listen to them appreciate their words no matter what they are. It’s all about modesty never arrogance and being cocky. It’s knowing when to move forward and when to stop.

Wisdom is when you appreciate those little things in our daily life. The soft air breeze, the glittery sun rays, the people walking by, the glamorous moon. The buildings’ architecture, the shapes created by the clouds, the stars and the salty smell of the sea. It’s feeling happy and content seeing and appreciating those simple things.

It’s the sense of security and contentment that makes you feel your own king. It makes you feel free spirited and not restrained to anything. It’s the freedom of soul that gives you peace of mind.


IT's very weird how our brain tricks us. You think that your favorite color is red, however all your clothes are blue.You believe that your favorite team is barchelona, while deep inside you you wished if machester united has won. Sometimes its so confusing that you just dont know what is it that you want!? why cant there be predefined rules for such situations,like a guide or a book telling you which to chose from. Why are we always struggeling with ourslevies when we actually know the truth but deep inside we just dont want to believe in it. My mind is full of thoughts and ideas, that is leaving me with a vast diversity of emotions. Like a ship in an angry sea, I am; where its waves are hitting it from every direction. Each wave trying to direct the ship to a direction leading it to a differet way. Each wave competing with the other; making the ship unsettled and lost. Happy with all that excitment, but afraid of damaging. If there was only a guide, a clue that could help in finding the right path one is supposed to walk throught, things would have been a lot easier.

I normally never read again what i write, but i have that feeling that is telling me that right now i have written a waste of time uncomprehnsible master piece. Sometimes its not important to make sense nor to mean something, and thats what i call pure entertainment.

If anybody read this, sorry for wasting your time:))))


The most mind tricking thing ever is to try to describe or define an emotion, like what is it like to feel angry? Or define exactly what does it mean to be afraid. However all emotions are indescribable but of course the number one emotion above all that is confusing everybody and consuming their whole time thinking about is love.

I watched and read about great philosophers, men of literature, artists and scientists; that love cannot be described as it differs from one to another and on what situation.

The thing is when the word love is mentioned we think of only “THAT” love people are all disparately seeking right now, but that’s not the only case, nor what I will be talking about in specific.

Love is more beyond feeling close to someone, or having a friend dear to your heart. Love is not about giving and having in turn or unconditionally giving or those platonic words! I am not in love with someone if I will take a bullet for him, else bodyguards are love addicts. It’s not feeling that we can’t live without that one we love, or how are orphans all over the globe are coping? All of these are exaggerations as people love to love.

You see, we love our family; our parents, brothers and sisters. We love them so much no matter what with no reasons. We just love them unconditionally! I think that is the blood bonding they say about.

For me that was an enough explanation, God made us feel that way towards our families. But what I have been really wondering about is the love we feel towards anyone else! Since we don’t have that bond then we can’t feel that much or intense love. I believed in that, that (maybe just me) it doesn’t make sense nor possible to love someone so deep and for a long time. I always said to myself no way I will get bored or simply that love will fade by time. I asked myself what if we disagreed what if we struggled or even had a fight! Love will disappear and frustration and disgust will invade my heart.

Love is just an emotion like hatred; we can’t hate someone for a lifetime. If you think it’s possible then you don’t know what hatred is.

I am not guessing, but I experienced that already.

Days ago I knew what love is, and really is cannot be defined, but love will make you do things you have never done before. What you think is wrong, embarrassing, not You! Things you couldn’t do with others whom you love too. Not the things we watch in movies, not actions nor feelings towards others, but feelings or thoughts about yourself you didn’t have before.

I was hurt…deeply hurt

Normally, I don’t get hurt :D normally I don’t care, and if so; I get angry from the one who hurt me and not tell him that I was hurt and I don’t settle by any mean and I don’t accept apologies, I no longer care about that person. Yes I am evil and my dark side…is dark.

The thing is that I didn’t care this time that I was hurt as much as I cared about who hurt me. I was angry at that person so much I couldn’t look directly into his eyes nor face as I was frustrated from, but I wanted him to stay near by my side. For the first time I want to talk to the one who hurt me, to blame him, make him realize that. Not to make him feel guilty or sorry or to make him feel bad, but simply coz I wanted to talk to someone, a friend to listen. When I am mad at anyone I used to go and talk about it with that person I love. I never ever thought that if I got md at that same person I would go and tell him that. I thought I will never be that mad or I will simply let it go, coz it will be very pathetic begging for care, or so I thought.

But it wasn’t that way.

I feel content, happy, strong, and whole.

I know lots of people and I love dozens of them I truly do. We shared happy crazy moments and hard ones too, but we managed to stay together no matter what.

But I never thought that I can love anyone more than that, there is some other connection, other than blood. I don’t know what is it, but I am living it.

Love is strong.

I am in love with my friends.

Thank god for that.

The Sixth Sense

I don't mean Bruce wills movie or the new technology. I am talking about the sixth sense of feeling what will happen next, not seeing the future, but sensing it. How often we wish we can see the future and know what will happen to us within the couple years, days, or seconds...

But haven't you ever felt that deep feeling of certainty that something good or bad will happen? or your gut feeling telling you not to do that or do that? who will win? who is knocking your door?

Now haven't you ever had a dream that tells you what to do in a certain thing? or a dream that will come to reality in the future? or telling you something about someone??

Do you see things in our surrounding from another perspective? Do find them triggering certain thoughts, stimulating your brain in a different way!? I am talking about signs scattered all along in our daily life.

You know what others are thinking of and feeling without asking them? 

Maybe you have experienced one or more of those things or maybe you are wishing you do.

I experience some sort of bonding between me and my sister, a connection. We understand each other instantly, we talk and have long conversations without uttering a single word. This has driven people crazy, specially our mother:D

I wonder about the connection between twins, how strong can it be?

All of that is ordinary, its normal.

What  is dazzling me is a connection with someone you barely knew. Someone when you first saw, felt that you already knew or met before, or as if you have been waiting for.
Who is that person!!? why you feel so??
You know what will that person do next? if he is sad or happy? if he is in trouble or not? when you will two meet or receive a call from, on which day and hour; without planning to. Not even talking to that person or contacting in any mean.

I heard once that before the creation of man, our souls existed together and knew each other, some didn't get along together while others did. Thats why sometimes in our lives you meet someone whom you don't like and you don't know why. And that why you feel relived to others without really knowing them.
And that makes me wonder does that relate by anyway to that kind of connection?

This connection is pretty cool:D feels a bit wizardly:D:D It gives you a good feeling and some sensation of .....power.

The more days that pass the more powerful your skills get and the deeper the connection is established, and the more powerful you feel.
However, what will you do if one day, you woke up to find that this connection no longer exists!!
will you feel sad!? if you think you will; you are either control freak:P, or actually you didn't experience that and you couldn't imagine how can this be.

Having such a powerful deep connection with someone you barely know or meet can drive you nuts! It will posses you and indulge all your senses sinking your mind deep into a restless endless forest of your own creation. Thoughts and speculations that can drift you away from reality, but keeps you swimming in a swarm of dreams, probabilities and chances.
This connection itself will drive you made thinking why among all the people I know I am connected with somebody I don't know!!!!!! Should that have any significance? and what is it?

Losing such a connection is a blessing, you are no longer jailed in your own made prison of mind. Although you lose the power, the enthusiasm and curiosity to know what will happen next. But in turn you will enjoy the peace of mind.

I cant find explanation to those bizzare phenomena, it might be the hallucinations of my sick mind. Yet I thank god for having them:D...I do.


I was sick and sleeping in my bed when one day my mother came to me with a bar of chocolate in her hand. I didn't feel like eating at all but she insisted that eating chocolate will make me feel better. Sick people just don't eat chocolate!!? But she insisted and I didn't want to argue with her. Am not really a big fan of chocolate so I decided to take just a small piece , but this bar was magical. Once the small block settled on my tongue it started melting indulging my taste buds with the most sensational taste ever. I closed my eyes and started melting in my place; I felt like I was, somehow, flying.
Suddenly I found myself back to reality falling back from sky to earth. I recognized why am back the moment I saw that the bar of chocolate no longer exists; I ate it all. Usually am no fan of chocolate, but that bar was different it was magical. I do not really know what was different about that bar, but liked it so much indeed. Day after the other and I became a chocoholic.

I eat it for breakfast after dinner and as super. I add this brand of chocolate now to everything I eat or drink. I can't imagine I day passing without eating it at least twice. I start my day with one and end it with another and checking that I have excess for the coming days. I started gaining weight, but I didn’t care. I started to have dental problems, but I didn't care. I suffered from insomnia from the excess caffeine in it and the doctors are warning me from diabetes, but I couldn't care less about it. My friends started to talk to me about my new addiction, but nothing worked for me. I was totally convinced with what they were saying, and I even tried to back off and stop eating all of these amounts of chocolates daily. There was days when I believed that I was totally recovered when there comes from nowhere a great temptation that I can do nothing about. simply I could not stop or maybe I didn’t want to stop. I always had that hope that everything will be just fine. I even kept searching the web for articles stating the benefits of the chocolates and even became wiling to take the risk for the sake of enjoying these benefits. The back draws of this new addiction over weights it's benefits but I enjoyed it.

It's so weird how stupid we might be sometimes. We know what's wrong and what's right, however we keep insisting on doing what's wrong, but for the sake of what??? Is it because we enjoy the excitement in doing the wrong thing??or is it that stupid thing they call HOPE. The hope that makes us believe that nothing is impossible and that we can do anything even if it's wrong and believing that with some sort of miracle we won't suffer from it's consequences. Al of that is sweet but when we are on the right track and not when we have lost our way. For me, all the time I keep convincing myself that nothing bad will happen I eve started losing interest in chocolate I already had much of it. Maybe now it's time to start recovering what I corrupted. I started going regularly to a dentist for my teeth, as for the gain in weight, diet won't be enough in my case so I decided to fast for a couple of..weeks :D. This was not easy by any means, specially when you suddenly find that the entire globe is against you; like some sort of conspiracy. I open the TV to find mesmerizing ads about different chocolates. I walk in the streets that is full of shops selling chocolates, milk with chocolate flavor, ice cream with same freaking flavor, ads about chocolates, and people eating chocolates. OMG I HATE CHOCOLATE :@. I went to a café to chill a bit and forget all what I have just seen. I took the menu ad checked the fizzy drinks to avoid seeing any choco-related thingie and to my misfortune I found coca with CHOCOLATE FLAVOR. Finally I decided to have chocolate mousse. I looked to my plate ad kept admiring it, I feel so weak ad vulnerable in front of that brown sugary beauty. I asked it; why do I love you so much that and risking my whole life and health?? Why can't I be like ordinary people, those who love you but not addictively?? Do I really love you that much in the first place??? Coz am starting to doubt that or am just hiding behind my addiction. I enjoy my time eating you coz you make me lose track of time. You make me fly high and dive deep. I forget all about everyday's problems when I am drinking the cold sweet chocolate ice cream. I feel happier and warm when I am holding my hot chocolate cup in my freezing fingers . I really didn’t want to become an addict but some things just happen.

Some friends recommended me to try new stuff and some said WHY NOT RY COFFEE both are brown and both are beans!!? I was not convinced deep down but I tried I didn’t want to be passive and surrender so easily like that. I never liked coffee, but weirdly I started to get used to it. The problem was that I liked the coffee as I tried to hard to convince myself that it's just like the chocolate. Not because of its color nor that it's beans too, but the caffeine in it really helped I even added lots of sugar to make it sweet. I started adding milk and I even tried to make ice cream from it. My acts were rather shocking when I began realizing that I liked the coffee coz it reminded me of the chocolate. So I said why am I troubling myself like that!!? I AM A CHOCOHOLIC and that’s it. I am not proud of that, but it's a fact and not an achievement to be proud nor ashamed of. What could happen??what ever god has for me I will simply see.

To this day I still don’t know if chocolate is good or bad?? I know it's bad but I believe it's good and I want it to be good.

A Carrot

There is a big difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s real and what’s not. We all know these differences but we don’t really like them or go with them. As reality is most of the time bitter and very far away from the imaginary world we built for ourselves to live in.

A feel like the donkey with a carrot pinned to his head but away from his mouth. He wants it so bad; that he keeps running trying to catch it but that stupid carrot is always far from his reach…always in advance of him. I envy the donkey that he only wants the carrot in front of him, whilst I want all what’s beyond that carrot.

One day, I realized that no matter how fast I ran I WONT REACH THE DAMN CARROT. That didn’t really relief me, it made me feel really frustrated and down. I sat down trying to take my breath and feeling like a complete loser, I have been running after that carrot for years!!!.....years!!YEARS!!!!!!! And as if I was hit on my brainless head. I looked up at the carrot hoping that what I was thinking of is not true. No it can’t be!! I haven’t wasted years of my life running after a…..rotten carrot!! HOW STUPID AM I!?? I have been so busy reaching it that I didn’t see wither is it still good or not. I could have waited for anyone to help me or even looked for another carrot, but I was blind and stupid…I was pathetic!

Suddenly the carrot disappeared!! I looked around me to see other donkeys; trying hard to do what I was doing. All overwhelmed with the same carrot, running as fast as their legs could help them to. I wanted to tell them all to stop or help each other or switch the carrots with each other. I shouted as hard as I could but it was all in vain, as if I don’t exist. I started to look around me to find something, anything, to help me and make them stop, and then I found a bunch of donkeys 5 meters away. They all looked busy but relieved and most importantly, with no carrots. I hustled to them and asked them to help me help the others get rid of their carrots too. None of them seemed to care, but one came near me with a nice wise smile and told me that they have been trying for so long since they first realized that they must stop running. To my amazement, the donkey said that they tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. I was so occupied with my obsession. I looked back at the running donkeys and pitied them all, I was just like them and I know how it is like. All I could do is to pray for them.

So now what?? I let go of my…precious carrot (after all I like it in a way or another) I am aware now that it was not real, so what!? What should be my next step? If only I had a carrot to catch!! WHY DO I INSISTE TO STICK TO PURE STUPIDITY!!!? No rotten carrots, no carrots at all. It’s just that, I was sticking to the carrot coz it kept me engaged into something, I didn’t want to leave it or stop maybe so as not to be lost like now or feel so helpless like that!?

There is nothing better than seeing the truth beyond things, I agree it’s hard but hard things are always worth it. 
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My Teddy Bear

Today I went shopping. While walking in the mall, something caught my attention. I stopped walking and stood fixed in my place looking with amazement and my eyes fixed on those tiny brown little eyes, or more accurately buttons. It was a teddy bear, yeah a teddy bear!! I like toys, okay, but not to that extent!! The last time a toy caught my attention was like….I don’t even remember, but it was years ago. There is something in that little teddy that made me want to have it so bad, and if you are asking what is it!?.................................. I don’t really know. 

I put my hands into my pockets hoping to find enough money to buy this beautiful little thing. I kept digging in my pockets deep down, as if my hands were diving searching for the key of the treasure box. 10...20, that will barely take me back home. I just can’t leave that sweet creature, I simply can’t, I want it so bad. A sudden grin grew on my face, I remember now that technology ROCKS, I have my ATM card. Hope filled me up; I pushed the door and entered with a great feeling of triumph and power. My eyes fixed on it, I was just about to stretch my hand to grasp it when a small kid came and took it from the shelf and hugged it with his arms. I have never liked children, and now I HATE THEM!! All that I was thinking of is that I WANT IT, IT’S MINE!! I hated to see it in someone else arms. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down seeing that little devil moving away with MY bear and heading to the cashier. Come on, I won’t use it really or play with it. The kid would benefit more from it…it would delight him. HEY!! DON’T I DESERVE TO BE DELIGHTED TOO!!! I SAW IT BEFORE HIM!! I don’t even know how he sneaked his way and got it before me! I don’t want to be wise nor kind; I want that bear now!! I took from the shelf another bear of the same type and ran to the boy, convinced him that the one in his hands was not as good as this one. They little kid was so gentle and polite and switched the bear easily with me. His attitude made me feel really………………………stupid; how cares!! I have my bear in my hands now...FINALLY. I held my new friend in my hand tenderly, as if afraid to hurt it. I looked into its eyes they seemed to want me they way I do, as if it belongs to me and only me, that made me feel exhilarated. 

Back home, I put my dear new friend beside me on bed and kept looking at it with admiration. I cared for it more than anything else I had before. I treated it so preciously as if it was a living thing; I don’t even care that much for most humans. 

Days are passing and my obsession with my teddy is inevitable. However I don’t spend time with it, I can’t let anyone play with it either. It’s mine and only mine. After a while, I looked at it and discovered that the sparkle I used to see in its eyes has vanished. Deep down it made me doubt if it still wants me or not!? But I believe yes, my bear can’t just not want me any longer...!! I remembered my granny’s words she used to tell me when I neglect my toys. She told me that they feel sad for not being played with. I want to decide to let go, but it’s so hard. I started letting my younger sister play with it (in my presence of course), then gradually things became better. I trusted leaving it around others however I didn’t like that, but I couldn’t endure being so selfish like that. I must try to change, to live and let live. 

Please ... Hear what I am not saying

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don’t be fooled. 

I give the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I’m in command and I need no one. But don’t believe it; please don’t. 

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, nothing of what’s crying within me. So when I’m going through my routine, don’t be fooled by what I am saying; what I’d like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I cant say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phony games I’m playing. 

I’d really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that’s the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings. Very feeble wings. But wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive, and I am a child. 

Who am I, you may wonder. For I am every man, every woman, every child…every human you meet.

Poem Source


Its only hope that makes life worth living, for me hope is just like a candle buried deep down inside me I cant see it really but am sure its there, I just feel its fade heat through me giving me the will to keep on living. I have lost hope so may times and even sometimes I wished to lose hope in something and stop wishing or dreaming of it. And I wont say that I didn't survive or something, no of course I did but I was like a zombie- a living dead- I wasn't miserable or so I though, but I wasn't happy neither. I felt something was wrong but really didn't know what was it. I know thats not the normal ME......!!!! 

Days have passed, and am still living in a coma, am aware of everything around me but am not interacting normally with the surrounding. Something it is acing but I cant find it. Then I started to face the truth, its the candle!! thats it, thats whats acing, I have just blown it off and didn't totally remove it, coz unfortunately its not removable, it a built in option or something. Oh how much I wish to take that candle off, its just exhausting to have it. I am not saying that its a bad thing, hope is the most beautiful thing in life. To flowers; hope is like the water that makes them blossom. To a painting, its the colors that brings it to life. Finally, to humans, its what makes us content, happy and ambitious and not just living for the day. That hope is making you levitate in a world of your dreams that ensures you that everything is possible, good and nothing bad will happen. Unfortunately, life is just full of wind that blows the candle off and makes you see that actually everything is just bad and absolutely the opposite of what you have dreamed of. I am not pessimistic, am not that kind bas am just asking myslef: “متى ستاتى الرياح بما تشتهى السفن؟؟؟؟".

Sunday, June 28, 2009

When I knew that I am a Vampire


Not being able to believe what I'm being told....I am a Vampire!!!

I rode my car and went back home, laid on my bed and kept gazing at the ceiling for a while just trying to understand what’s going on here. Still hearing the doctor's words in my head:” you have what they call the Vampire Disease or Disorder.”

My name is Suzan. A 20 years old student at the faculty of Mass Comm. Since I was a child my skin was sensitive to light but that thing increased dramatically that I can’t go out without a mean of shading to help me avoid the direct contact with the sunlight. Everybody advised me to go and see a doctor but I just hate doctors:S.

Four days ago, the weather was good and the sun was just okay, so I didn't want to miss that, put on the sun block and without putting on a cap or anything I went out and spent the day with my friends and of it was just AWESOME, I had so much fun and to me that was new, it has bee so long when I last had fun. When I returned back home I felt my skin aching, but didn't think that’s it’s a big deal. I put on a moisturizer and when to bed to have a nap. An hour or two later, I woke up and entered the bathroom, looked at the mirror and I saw what I never imagined. There were burn marks on my face, neck and hands. It was then that I decided that it's really time to see a doctor. After examining me, he said that he is not quiet sure of what’s the cause of such burns and so he asked me to make some tests. After doing them I went back to him today. After examining them he looked at me and started explaining what’s wrong with me.

The doctor:” hmmm...well I don't know how nor from where to start.” he paused then continued, “Do you know what Porphyria is??”

Susan with her left eyebrow rose: “Pro...what?? No, I don't know what that is.”

Doctor:” well I assumed that”

If you knew that I wont know what’s that then why did you ask in the first place!!!OMG I just hate you all:S.

The doctor coughed then continued:” Porphyria is a very rare and not a common disease. One out of 200,000 people have it. It’s caused due to some disorders in the heme's enzymes. There are two types of Porphyria; Acute Porphyria and Cutaneous Porphyria. In your case its Cutareous Porphyria causing photosensitivity, blisters, necrosis of skin and gum, itching and swelling. Increase hair growth and change of urine color to reddish or dark brown after exposure to sun and purple after an attack.”

Susan feeling dizzy:”That” I didn't understand a word from him actually,” Frankly, all I got is that I have a kind of rare disease and that it, please simply explain again what’s wrong with me, and do you mean by after an attack??What attack???”

Doctor:” Well, you are suffering of what people call...the vampire disorder or the vampire disease. Is caused because of the heme deficiency. Heme is an iron-containing compound used in all our body it is found mostly in the hemoglobin, the oxygen carrier, in our blood.

It causes all the symptoms I told you, being sensitive to light the skin tightens and shrinks. When this occurs around the mouth, the canine teeth appear to be more prominent giving the fangs' look. It also accompanied by depression and alteration in the attitude, I mean a bit aggressive. Porphyric patients crave for blood as they need the heme, so they might attack animals or even humans to drink their blood.”

I was shocked for while then I realized that my mouth was widely opened and of course that made me look silly, so I started to gain control over myself:” and how could I get over that, I mean is there a medicine or something to take?? I mean that’s not just normal and how did I turn out to be like that!!?”

Doctor:” It’s inherited and must come for the two parents, did you know that or noticed it on one of your parents??”

Susan: “No actually they died long ago and I don't know really.”

Doctor:” well unfortunately up till now there is no treatment for the disease itself, but treatment for the symptoms. Also blood injections would be essential each month. You will have to wear long sleeved cloths, hats, gloves, and sun block regularly”

Each extra word increases my shock and makes me feel that am falling in an endless hole. I am not just sick, am turning to be a MONSTER. I thanked the doctor and he told me when will be the next appointment in order to have my first injection. Went back home, laid on the bed thinking; who could ever believe that this was true!?? LOL, I am actually just like angel; a vampire with a soul!!!That was....don’t know what to say, can’t say hilarious because its not but still.... that’s weird. How will I move on with my life!? That is the big question that right now, I don't have an answer for it. How will people accept me like that especially after all the symptoms arise? Oh God...I don't think that people will be scared of me because they think that am a vampire, its stupid of course I wont walk around biting people in their necks and making an army of vampires like in movies, they will be scared only as I will look....scary.....

HEEY, stop thinking like that, I wont look scary or like vamps, I will be just fine, I will take the medication which will prevent the symptoms and so I wont be a vampire, and then I will know how to protect myself from the sun I have always done that. Everything is going to be just fine.....I hope....


Part 2:

Everything was not really fine as I hoped; I have passed this whole week at home, afraid of seeing people and I just lost interest in everything. Even my friends at college called me to see why didn't I go for the whole week, but I just don't know what to tell, oh no big deal, I just turned out to be a vampire, yeah bye c ya tomorrow, that's just....IT SUCKS. Frankly I really need someone to be beside me right now, someone I could tell him what’s wrong with me and helps me to be able to survive. My teeth are becoming a bit yellowish and popping out slightly. I have always wished that I was a guy and I think my dream is coming true as I have to shave my beard now..... It's just disgusting. Thank god still I don't look like vampires, not like those in movies and like those in Buffy the vampire slayer....OMG, lol, for the first time that idea comes to my mind, remembering those vampires now, I think I pity them , they meant no harm, they were just sick....That’s weird. I must move on now, I can’t just give up am still alive and I wont bury myself alive at home. I am just sick and sick people are not freaks, they are normal ordinary people. I must make some changes in my life style and that’s all. Yeah, I can delay all my outings till night, that won’t be a problem. The real problem is is another reason for me to hate waking up early in the morning...oh God, when will I wake up from this nightmare!?

Sun rise means the start of a new day, but for Susan it meant the end of hers. Another week has passed and Susan turned to be a night creature, sleeping all day in a dark room and waking at night to start a new depressing day with nothing to do but think more and feel sad for herself, even getting tempered sometimes and after all feeling lonely more than ever. She kept praying at night for a miracle to help her get out of that situation. A miracle that would make her gain her life back, gain control over it once more. Each day her frustration increases and she becomes more aggressive, that made her even avoid contacting with people more. She open the door for only two reasons, if she is getting out to buy something, having conversations with none and the other reason is paying a bill or something. Her blood injection session is just 2 weeks ahead, that made her feel not really comfortable, to her it was just wrong; humans should not feed on blood. It’s a savage barbarian thing to do.

Days are passing and she is becoming more isolated and prisoned on her own house. What's worse is that she was wishing for her blood injection session to come as fast as possible, she was hungry for blood! Her skin is shrinking and even its decomposing she was dying alive!! She knew she looked scary and she was even losing energy and weaker. She had to use lots and lots of cosmetics in order to look normal, however that large quantities of powder made her look dead.....and that made her feel even more depressed, she was really a living dead.

It was 4 pm; she was asleep when she heard the door bell ring. Collecting her energy she stood up, wore a coat, gloves, a hat a pair of sunglasses and wrapped her face with a scarf and headed slowly to the door. She opened the door and wished that she didn't, it was her friend Diana.

Diana astonished with what she is seeing:” good evening” cleared her throat and added,” I am a friend of Susan and I came to see her.”

Confused, embarrassed and afraid Susan couldn't say a word for a sec, she was relieved that she didn't recognize her, but yet still very sad for the same reason, she needed a friend now more than ever. 3 weeks have almost passed without having a conversation with a single person. then answered:” Oh well......hi my dear am her cousin, she sleeping come on in and I will wake her up for you.”

Diana headed for the living room and Suzan ran to the bathroom, putting all her make up trying to hide her scary look as much as she can. If she wants her friend not to run away before even telling her, she must not look like a zombie.

Going back to Diana:”hey, how are you, missed you so much”

Diana gave her a big bear hug, something Suzan has been wishing for since the day she knew that she was sick, but now she regretted that wish. She was having the weirdest feeling ever, a sensation she would never ever think of!! Her friends' scent was intoxicating for her!!!!She felt dizzy a little bit and that she wanted to....

Diana left her and said:”WHATS WRONG WITH YOU???”

Back to her conscious Suzan focused on her friend's face in disbelief of what she has just felt, a bit afraid of herself and even more disgusted, but Diana's question was even more terrifying to her. What’s wrong with me!!? Isn’t the make up enough?? How did she know that there was something wrong with me!!?

Suzan afraid of the answer:”why are you saying that?? “

Diana with a shock on her face:”WHY AM I SAYING THAT!!! It has been 2 weeks! almost 3 weeks and you are gone. You don't come to college you don't answer your phone!! We are all scared and worried about you. What’s going on with you?

Suzan didn't know what to say and how to tell her the truth!! She didn't want to scare her off, like what if I told her and she ran away from me? That of course won't help at all, but I need to share this with someone. I want to talk with somebody about my misfortune. Okay I will just tell her whatever the consequences. I have nothing to lose, already lost my life.

Suzan looking away from Diana and in a fragile tone:”Diana, I have something I want to talk about.”

Diana:”okay, then just tell me. What’s wrong suzz?? “

Suzan:”well, it's just that am...well am sick”

Diana:”okay now you’re scaring me, what do you mean by sick?? What’s wrong with you girlie??”

Suzan:”hmm...I don't know how to say that, and I don't know how you will be able to handle it. I am really sorry for what I am about to say, but it’s just that I want to share it with someone, I want a friend beside me.”

Diana hugging Suzan:”Suzan, don't worry I have always been beside you, and I will always be, so whatever it is say it and I will understand.”

Diana didn't know that this hug was actually making it even harder for Suzan.

Suzan pulling herself back:” Diana what I am going to say is not really easy to grasp. It took me sometime to believe in it...omg it’s just so much hard than I ever thought. Everyday I wished for someone to talk with and now here you are and I can’t say a word. Don't know how to say it or from where to start.”

Diana:” Calm down, say it as it is, and start from the very beginning.”

Suzan:” well let me ask you a question first, do I look different?”

Diana trying to cheer her up:” beside your Halloween make up, I think you are just fine”

Suzan with a bittered smile:”well then I look different”

She told her the whole thing, the doctor, the blood injections sessions, her last depressing weeks and that she was the one who opened for her.

Diana was in shock and had a pathetic look in her eyes for her friend. She held Suzan's hands and said:” This is the weirdest thing I have ever heard, but what’s worse than that is that you didn't tell me that before. Why?? What did you think I will do?? YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND, and if you thought that I would simply leave you then you are so damn stupid. Who would not like to spend time with a super natural creature!!?” and they both brusted out laughing and crying at the same time.

Diana:” ok now let’s get out and have a walk or something, have lunch some where or so. I mean you do eat food right??”

Suzan with a demonic smile:” that depends on what you mean by food” then added “but am not into the mood of going out, I just lost interest and I don't want to scare people nor walk in the sun when it’s not an emergency. Not in need of more burns”

Diana:” okay, as you like it, then I will make us something to eat.”

As Diana stood up and passed by Suzan, Diana's smell filled Suzan's nose and indulged all her senses. She even had some hallucinations; she was imagining herself jumping on her friend and sucking out her blood from her wrist. Hearing her friend calling on her made her come back to the reality. She shock her head not believing what’s happening to her. THIS CAN'T BE TRUE!!!!!!!!!! She headed to the kitchen where Diana was making them some sandwiches. Involuntary Suzan looked at her wrist then back to her eyes when Diana asked her:” where are you hiding the knives? I have looked everywhere and I just can’t find them”

Suzan headed to some shelf and got her a knife, then walked away from her afraid of what she saw she might do seconds ago.

Diana:” and so when is your next injection session? I want to be with you while you are having it.”

Suzan ashamed of herself:” it’s after tomorrow, but you don't have to bother yourself, its no big deal”

Diana:” I know its not, and that everything will be just fine, but after tomorrow I have nothing to do and I would love to spend the day with you.”

Suzan:”Diana, am glad that I told you, and am happy that I have you now with me. Thanks”

Diana:” don't mention it stupid, we are friends okay and that’s what friends do. So stop saying that.”

Suzan with a faint smile:” okay then finish quickly am hungry, it has been 2 days since I last ate something I just lost the energy and appetite.”

Diana:” Hungry!? So like you don't feed on blood?”

Suzan:”LOL, that's what I thought too:D actually no, the blood thing is not food, its kind of a medication. It makes us feel better, as I told you, the deficiency in the heme thing makes less oxygen to flow in the body and causing all the transformations am hiding with the cosmetics. That’s why we have those sessions.”

Diana:” it’s weird that “WE” and “OUR” thing” and that you are actually using it.....OUCH”

Suzan hurried to Diana to see what’s wrong with her, and she regretted that she did. Diana has cut her finger and it was bleeding a lot of blood. The smell of blood gave Suzan a weird sensation she wanted so much to taste it to stop her pain, she was hungry for a drop of blood for a couple of days but she never thought that she will be that weak to even think of attacking her own best friend.

Diana saw the look in Suzan's eyes when she told her:” Suzz, don't worry, you are strong and I trust you. I know you won't hurt me. Please just get me a bandage or something to wrap my finger with.” she looked into her eyes that where still fixed onto her bleeding finger when she shouted again at her:”SUZAN, go and find me a bandage, NOW!”

Suzan was back again, looked into her friend's eyes with tears in her own, then ran to get her a bandage or plaster or something to stop the bleeding. She was so ashamed of herself and can't believe what has just happened, but deep inside her there was that voice telling her to bite her, you need her blood to survive. She is your friend she will understand. OF COURSE SHE WON’T APPRECIATE ME SUCKING HER BLOOD OUT OF HER VEINS!!!!!SHE WON’T LIKE ME TO KILL HER!!! FRIENDS JUST DONT DO THAT!!! Who said anything about killing her??? You won’t kill her, you will just taste her blood, just a little to stop the pain and have some strength. She will be okay, she will be just fine and she will understand that, you could even tell her that you didn't mean it, or that you were not yourself or something and she will forgive you. That’s of course if she wasn't compassionate enough to feel ad understand what you are going through. STOP IT!! I WONT DO THAT, AM NOT A MONSTER. AM NOT A BEAST. I WONT KILL MY OWN FRIEND.

Suzan got the bandage and went back to Diana to find her talking on the phone:” Oh please come quickly it’s an emergency”

Suzan in a shock:” who are you talking to??”

Diana dropped the phone and said in hesitation:”Suzan, did you find me a bandage??”

Suzan in an angry tome:”Whom were you talking to??”

Diana a bit afraid:”calm down, it’s for your own good suzz. I called for the emergency; you are in a fast need of help now. Didn't you notice!? You were about to bite me!! “

Suzan heading to her feeling hurt:”you said that you trusted me! You said that I am strong. You said everything is going to be okay”

Diana:”Yes I did, but...”

Suzan now crying with rage:” But you were just saying that to make the monster go away till you get some help to shoot it down, RIGHT!!!?”

Diana:”No Suzan, I called coz you are in need of help and blood injection. You need that for your own good.”

Her words made sense to Suzan, she was indeed about to bite her, but yet she felt betrayed and deeply wound. That has increased her anger and frustration. The more she gets angry the more her blood thirst increase that made her lose control and found herself jumping on her friend. Pinned her to the floor and dug her teeth into her neck.


Part 3:

All was green when Suzan opened her eyes. She was sleeping in a bed in a room, not her bed nor her room. She looked beside her to find some medical devices that she doesn't know about and one is attached to her finger. A door was widely opened and a nurse entered and stood by the bed.

Suzan:”what happened? Why am I here?”

The nurse looked at her in a disgusted look:” like you don't remember?”

Suzan:” remember what?”

The nurse in more amazement and disbelief:”you don't remember attacking that innocent poor girl?”

Suzan was shocked to hear that all of that was true. She thought in was just a dream. It was just a nightmare. She then started to remember what happened. I attacked Diana, omg I really did, but I was angry and I didn't mean to suck her blood we were fighting, and I quickly fainted so I don't think I hurt her big. I can’t have done it right?? For sure I have not hurt her seriously!! How did I do that!!! Am I a beast!! I AM!!!!!!!!!

Suzan:” The last thing was that I felt dizzy and fainted”

Nurse to herself:” Unfortunately you just fainted”

Suzan:”Sorry?? What did you say?”

Nurse giving Suzan her back and pressing some buttons in one of the devices:”Savage criminal”

Suzan:” Will you please tell me what happened to Diana my friend??”

Nurse gave out a small cry then said:” AND SHE WAS YOUR FRIEND!!?Oh dear lord, how dare you do what you have done to her!! You have no excuse to kill your own friend. To kill anyone at all.”

Suzan couldn't believe what she has just heard!! Kill!!?? :”You mean that I killed Diana? Like she is dead?? For real?”

Nurse:”for real!!!!! No am kidding with you. OF COURSE FOR REAL!! YOU HAVE KILLED THE POOR LITTLE GIRL!! You kept sucking her blood and then you fainted beside her. She has called for an ambulance before you attack her I assume so they came and found you two like that. By the time they brought you to the hospital, it was too late. She had already lost a lot of blood.”

The words were echoing in Suzan's ears; YOU HAVE KILLED THE POOR LITTLE GIRL!! Suzan laid stiff like a corpse, pale like a ghost.
I killed Diana!!? I killed her!! Is that even possible! Me killing anybody or even anything? doesn't just make sense of course I didn't kill!? It's just a big ugly nightmare that I didn't wake from yet. Yeah that makes more sense.....

Tears were unavoidable, they ran on her white cheeks as if running from her eyes and the misery it had in them.

How could I do such thing!! I didn't mean it. No I didn't mean to attack her like that. She trusted did I do that to her! She stayed by my side and that how I treated her. That's how I appreciated her for being a good friend.

Bursting in tears the nurse looked at her:” and as if you care, well don't think you are going to fool the detectives with those fake tears. You should try something else.”

Suzan trying to find her voice:” detectives!?”

Nurse:”did you think you were running away of what you did? Yes of course there are two detectives out there waiting for you to wake up and ask you some questions.” then she started to talk to herself again:” I don't know what is that necessary they should just shop of your head” to Suzan again:” I'll go and get them in let's get finished with all of that.”

Suzan's despair and feeling of guilt kept increasing. She buried her face in her palms.

Diana's word kept echoing in her head over ad over:” I know you won't hurt me. I trust you....”


Part 4:

The door was opened once more and 3 men walked in. The doctor in his white coat was talking to the other two who are supposed to be the detectives. The doctor looked friendly with his nice grin while the other two were serious and firm. Suzan was gazing in the nowhere, as if she has lost all her senses. She didn't eve flick when they entered the room.

Doctor pretending that he is not seeing her tears:”hey, I can see that you are getting better now. You have been asleep for 12 hours enough to inject you with...some sort of nutrition.” winking to her, then continued ”let me introduce to you Mr. Adam and Mrs. Joseph, they just want to know a few things about..You know what happened.” then he paused and looked directly into her eyes:”Suzan do you hear me??Are you okay?”

She made a tremendous effort to nod to him.

The man called Adam then interrupted:” Okay then doc, thanks a lot, now we would love to stay alone with her.”

Doctor:”ah, sure” then he left the room.

The detective called Adam looked at Suzan and said:” Now Miss Suzan we want to know everything.”

Suzan's tears were non stopping but new even more tears where flooding from her eyes but yet her face was expressionless. She didn't utter a word that detective Adam had to ask her again:”Miss Suzan, will you tell us what happened?”

Suzan could find neither energy nor her voice to talk about the accident. She fought hard with herself to clear her throat and say:” It's me I killed her I am the one who attacked Diana.”

Joseph looked with astonishment to her then to Adam who gave a small cough ad said:”well we need to know all the details please every single thing that happened from the very first beginning.”

She took a deep breath and started to tell them the whole story. It took her one hour to tell them everything.

Adam finally said as she finished:” well, that’s just fine. Thank you a lot and we will be seeing you again.” he stood up and Joseph copied him, “Unfortunately you will have to stay her for a while for a couple of reasons one of them is that investigations at your house is not finished yet. It's safer for you to stay her until we are done with our work. As for your case we can’t take you with us either. You will stay in here with guards making sure you”

I knew what he meant I know what every word really means. I am staying her under their supervision. I can't be taken to prison not for my safety or my own good as he say, but for the safety of the prisoners and them. I am a walking monster craving for blood, staying around people is not a good idea.

They both headed to the door, Adam was already talking in his mobile phone when Joseph looked back at me and said:”thanks for your cooperation. Don't try something foolish, and don't lose hope” he winked at me and they both vanished. As they left, the doctor moved in again, with his lovely friendly smile on his face. He pulled a chair and sat beside me.

Doctor:” Did they bother you??”

I couldn't answer him, but he continued:” sometimes detectives could be a bit harsh. Especially for your case, it's hard for them to understand.”

I crawled hugging my legs with my arms. I had nothing to say, I am already in much pain, cant talk or think. However something in his tone made me feel that there is something behind that friendly conversation. He is trying to tell me something and just making that introduction to make me feel better. I got that feeling that it's something bad really bad and he just don't know from where to start saying it. He doesn't know that to me, there is nothing worse that what happened.

Doctor a bit more serious:” Suzan, there is something you need to know. It's really important.” he found no reaction on my face thus added” it's related to your own safety, your own health.”

Suzan desperately:” and you think I care?”

He raised his eyebrows and added:” what I want to say is that your life is endangered. This incident, that attack if it occurred again it might be life threatening. Another attack like that might be lethal.”

Suzan with bitterness:”then I can't wait for it to happen.”

The doctor was shocked and sat back in his chair in desperation.

Suzan then started talking:” death is the only thing I wish for now. There is nothing worse than killing someone you love; someone has put his trust in you. There is nothing worse than being a monster. I am in deep torture; the feeling of guilt is killing Me.” she paused then continued with misery in her voice and sorrow filling her eyes:” what I can't endure anymore is that I...I felt good about it. I was very furious suddenly, but sucking her blood out was relieving. It was like a tranquilizer to me. I loved Diana, I still do love her, and I would never ever think that I would do such barbarian thing to her. I don't know how did this happen! How could I do such thing to her!! How dare I even like it!!!?”

Doctor took him 2 seconds to talk again:” You are not a monster and it's not your fault. You are sick it's not with your hand, and it's not an easy disease. It's dangerous, tough, hard to live with and even harder to be accepted by others.” he stood and patrolled the room then added “Sometimes we make some huge and stupid mistakes. Things we would never we would do. We then feel as if it's the end of the world and that our whole life is collapsing. But we forget the most basic thing is that we forget. People forget and move on. Life never stops and the world won't be a better place if you’re gone. It has already lost one good girl, Diana, and in no need of losing another. You choose; you could passively just surrender and die; making the entire world believe that porphyric are murderers, monsters, or like you know; vampires. OR you could show everyone that you are as good as they are, and even more human than they are. The whole press is now talking about you. You can...”

Suzan interrupted:” the whole what!!! Press!!!!”

Doctor:” yeah, the have already reached to your place and even making out stories about what happened. By tomorrow, every talk show and every citizen will be talking about you, and believe me, the majority will be against you. Especially that some journalists will exaggerate trying to spice things up. The most important thing is to believe in yourself ad know that they are nothing better than you are. People like to criticize and blame others, that should not bother you.” he approached me and said “and now you need to get some rest. You have already suffered enough for one day. Sleep tight.” then he departed.

Although his words can't simply make me not feel disgusted with myself, but it did comfort me somehow or made me feel better. At least he made me stop crying. Yet nothing has changed nor will, but he is right; I need to sleep for a while.


Part 5:

The bright beams of sunlight woke me up. It seemed to me like I have been asleep for ages. I opened my eyes to see a large beautiful bouquet of roses beside me. It smelled as good as it looked. Beside it I found an envelope. I opened it and found a letter in it.

Dear Susan,

Hope you are doing well ad getting better.

You don't know me but your news are all over the cables. We knew what happened and we understand, we have all been into this before. A layer has been sent to you to get you out of this case, so don't everything will be just great. When the case is over and you become free to go, we will welcome you to join us. It'll much better and safer for you.

Thus get well soon; we are all waiting for you.

Take Care.

….............!!!I had to read it 3 times to grasp what it was. What the hell is that!!! Every sentence made me want to ask lots of questions. Who and what was that!!!”You don't know me” then why didn't you tell me who you are?? And for who does the “WE” stands for?? Why did he r they sent me a layer?? Where am I to join them!!? And why is it safer for me to join them!!!!? Then and idea stroke me like the lightening!!!OMG is that even possible!!!?

I didn't have time to think any longer as I was interrupted by the nurse, who showed that she loves me very much, opening the door and standing by it saying:”You have a visitor, I hope that you could have good control over yourself, as I was about to bite him myself” then she looked outside and softened her voice:”come on in Mr. Andrew.”

Then a gentleman in his late 20s entered. He was tall, white, with silky brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. Wearing a nice blue suit, he looked at me with a nice grin that showed his brilliant teeth. He approached to shake hands with me and said:” Good morning, my name is Andrew.” then he pointed to the letter that I was still holding in my hands:”I think you might have been expecting me.”

I looked at the letter, realized that he must be the lawyer, whom I-don't-know-who sent me. Then said:” actually I didn't and I don't understand what’s going on.”

He soot back in the chair unbuttoned his jacket and started explaining:” As I told you, my name is Andrew 28 years old and I am a lawyer. 5 years ago, I met that wonderful girl, she was 19 by then. I felt in love with her, but she never showed me any feelings toward me. One day I confronted her with my feelings and asked her for a reason for not liking me. She said that she loved me from the first beginning, but she can't have a relationship with anyone because she was porphyric. By the end of the same month, we got married.”I thought to myself:”the nurse won't be glad with that. He continued” A year after that, an 18 years old guy came to me asking me to become his lawyer as he had an accident just like yours. From that day on, my wife and I decided to help anyone who have the same incident. Surprisingly, we have had many similar cases all over the world, and now we are like a big family living in the suburbs where no one can annoy us. So when we heard the news, we knew that a new family member was in danger. That’s why I am here now to defend you, and then take you with me to see the rest of us and how peacefully and happily we live.”

From reading the letter I expected something like that, but yet hearing his story was kind of shocking to me. There are others like me!! Making some sort of a secret community. It sounds so much like movies.

They even want me to go and join them!! Join a bunch of draculas?? as if am not one of them:S:(

Andrew interrupted me:” so why are you so quite?”

S:”....Coz I just can't believe what I just heard, but still I don't know now what to believe and what not to believe, what's true and what’s fiction. The whole NORMAL world that I know is collapsing in front of my eyes. It's not that easy, and I just can't let you defend me when am sure that I am a murderer. I want to be sentenced to death, which will relief me from the feeling of guilt that I am having now.”

A:”You have all the right to feel confused, but you should not be so harsh on yourself. You didn't attack her because you wanted to hurt her or because you’re evil. There was no one by your side to guide you, explain and support you in what you are going through. You are a victim as well, the doctors specifies just one injection per month which is not enough. In addition to that the medications that make you furious and depressed most f the time, just kills one's soul by time. No one can understand what you are going through except someone like you. They are judging you and saying that you are a criminal but don't let them screw your mind. Always remember, you are a victim as well.”

His words where magical, the calmed me down a bit, made me feel relieved. As if I needed those words to make me feel better about myself.

Yet, Diana's image is still in my mind and the sense of guilt is hard to get rid off.

A:” I don't think that it's easy for you to get over this now, or to totally believe in what am telling you. All am asking for now is to trust me. You need to have another chance and I will give you one.” he stood and added:” okay, now it's time for me to go to the police station to make some work and see when the trial will be. Now don't think of anything you're going to be alright. I almost forgot, here is my phone number in case you needed anything. I'll be back to you by noon.” then he departed.

These are the longest two days I ever had. Yesterday was the accident but I feel like it was ages ago. Lots of event that I can not contain lots of emotions and confusion. The this whole secret community of prophyric thing and how fast they reached me, It's just unbelievable. That Andrew also sounded so sure that he will get me out of this situation; I think this is not his first case of that kind. What about after that?? What if am out and set free with no charges, how am I to continue with my life?? How will people accept me and deal with me without being either afraid or disgusted!? Will I really join that secret tribe?? I don't know them how am I going to live with them?? Am I ready for such change and risk?

The nurse dashed in interrupting me again:S. She had that weird grin on her face, holding a newspaper and said with joy:” Look, It's all about you, the headlines are all about you.” and she threw the paper at me.

I graped it. To my shock, the paper was opened on the page of crimes and accidents. And so am a criminal officially!! However I knew that, and I said that to myself many times; seeing it in the newspaper like that made me a little angry. My pride was publicly hurt, and that's something I didn't like. The nurse noticed that from the expression on my face thus she said:” don't get so much mad yet, wait until you read what's written. It'll get even better.” and she made a devilish acidic laugh, more like a snore.

Why is she so lame??? It’s weird that evil witch what's wrong with her and what have I done to her to treat me like that:S!!

What I was reading made me forget all about the nurse and nearly all about everything.

Yesterday after noon, the most outrageous, barbarian, savage crime took place in an apartment down town. Where lived in it a 20 years old student who pretended to be lovely, friendly and kind in order to hide her true evil nature. Yesterday, she invited her victim, her best friend t her flat. She let her friend in and when she found the right moment, she attacked her like an animal, biting her like a beast, and sucking her blood till the poor little girl passed away. After doing her crime, the filthy bloodsucker called the emergency calling for help, as if she had not done her unforgivable deed. She is now kept in a hospital near the crime scene, till the investigations are finished.

Personally I don't know why they are keeping her still alive; she is dangerous and must be getting rid off.

I couldn't keep on reading that was more than enough. Rage was tarring me apart. How could he write that?? That’s not even the truth, not even near to it. I am not pretending, I am not evil, AND ABOVE ALL, I AM OT A BLOODSUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to tare the paper into pieces and even kill that stupid journalists and crazy nurse. I wanted to scream out loud telling everyone who believes in this shit that NONE OF THIS IS REAL!!! I wanted to speak up and defend myself.


My face turned red, the nurse then realized what I might do in that state. Thus, she quickly got a needle, injected me with and I started not to feel anything then went to a deep calm sleep.

A while after that, I started to hear voices as if I was dreaming. I could recognize whose voices are these.....It's the doctor.......??...yes it's him talking to the nurse, yes it's them.

Doctor in a harsh voice:” Why did you do that??? What were you thinking when you gave her that paper?? What an irresponsible childish behavior. Don't know you know that another anger attack like that and she might die. If that has happened, you would have been now the murdered, the cold blooded criminal.” He took a deep breath then said looking at Suzan's body that is lying on the bed still:” this patient is no longer yours; you will be moved from my department. I don't want you with me and two days will be cut off your salary.”

Nurse:” No please doc, I won't do this again, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me”

Doctor:” You didn't show her any mercy, why are you asking me for it now? It's over, just go now.”

As the nurse ran out of the room Andrew walked in asked the doctor about what happened, they sat together and the doctor told him everything. Then they started discussing Suzan's health state. As they finished their chat, she woke up but not able to fully open her eyes she said in a feeble voice:” I am not a monster.”

The doctor and Andrew approached her each on one side of the bed.

Doctor:” No little girl you are not”

S: “I want to prove it”

A:” We will, don't worry as I told you. Everything is going just as I want. We will win that trail and you won't feel a thing. It'll be a very short period that will pass as you blink your eyes. No worried”

Doc:”Yes don't worry; all you need now is to get some rest. Sleep, tomorrow I think will be a long day for you.”

I didn't even hear if he said anything more than that or not, and what he meant by a long day; I was already asleep.


Part 6:

I feel like I have been asleep for ages, and it was nice to feel so. I slowly opened my eyes to see the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. It was a face of an angel dressed all in white and she was smiling at me. She then said with her sweet melodious voice:”Good morning, how do you feel today?”

Suzan still astonished by her charm:”I am fine...I think”

The pretty woman’s smile broadened showing her gorgeous teeth:”It’s great to hear that. I am your new nurse by the way.”

S:”New nurse!!?”

N:”yes, is there a problem with that??”

S:”Problem!!! This is the best thing that has happened to me since the accident. The nurse I had was pretty weird. She hated me so much and I have no idea why.

N:”Nah, don’t say that. She is a bit aggressive with everybody, but deep inside she is very kind.”

S:”yeah, very kind that she would kill me if she got the chance.”

N:”Oh, don’t say so. Any way I am here with you in case you needed anything.” She was about to move when she added:”you almost made me forgot! Mr. Andrew was here, he dropped by and left you some of your cloths; he took permission from the investigation team at your house. He wants you to be ready by 11. He said that he managed to make your trial be today at 12 pm.”

Suzan in shock:”WHAT!!! My trial!! Today!!How did he do that? Why? I can’t, I am just not ready for that now.”

N:”Hey no worries, you will do just fine, but right now you better get ready; it’s 10:15 already.”

She helped me put on my clothes and by 10:45 the room’s door was knocking. She opened to find Andrew and she let him in.

Andrew:”hey, you look way much better in these clothes rather than the hospital doted dress. Hope you liked my choice.”

S:”yeah thanks, after all they are my cloths.”The three of us laughed.

Andrew sat till I fixed my hair put my make up and hat on, then the both of us walked out of the door. To my surprise, I saw a police officer standing by the door of my room.

S:”what’s that?”

A:”well, you’re a suspect after all. Instead of having you into custody, the left two guards in here; don’t know where the other one is right now.”

S:”that’s weird. So, why didn’t you tell me about that the trial is today?”

A:”I didn’t know till this morning, but what difference will that make to you?”

S:”what difference!?Simply am not ready! I can’t really grasp the fact that right now I’m heading to the court!! I don’t know what to say or do.”

A:”don’t worry you won’t need to say or do anything; I will do all the talking. All am asking from you is to sit there convinced that you are not guilty and you have the right for a second chance.”

We strode out of the hospital’s main door. A car was waiting for us already. We got in and the driver instantly started driving. I kept looking out of the window, watching the people. How happy, sad, busy or not they are. At a cross road the traffic light went red and we had to stop. By the corner, two young ladies where running to each other with their arms wide opened. They hugged each other; they were holding each one another very strongly which made me feel that they will fuse together. Involuntarily tears dropped from my eyes. I felt Andrew’s hand holding mine and saying:”don’t think like that, I told you; you are good as they are. Remember, you are NOT a monster. You deserve a chance.”

I wiped away my tears, and thank god the car started moving again. 20 minutes later, we stopped again and we were in front of an enormous building. It is our destination indeed. I felt petrified; that my legs could not left me up or help me get out of the car. Andrew again encouraged me and pulled me gently out. So this is it, where my life could end or start depending on just one word from the judge.

It was 11:45 when we reached the court room. It was already filled with people and photographers. The moment we entered, people started yelling at me and photographers kept shooting me with their cameras. I could feel in the air the anger and hatred that filled their hearts towards me. Guards came and walked me in to a chair beside me sat Andrew. I thought I will stand behind the bars of the cage, but I it seemed to be that Andrew is real good. On the other side, I saw the two detective sitting and looking silently at me, they seemed not so happy; especially Adam. That also added to my confidence in Andrew and that he could get me out of this easily as he says. In the first row, in front of the detectives, I saw Diana’ parents with a lawyer. They looked horrible, especially her mother. Seeing them like that hurt me the most. Knowing how much pain I must have caused them with my unforgivable deed.

The shouts and flashes didn’t stop until the judge entered and everybody stood up. He seemed to be a wise firm man in his middle fifties. He slowly reached his chair, and as he sat down, the rest of the people got seated again.

The judge opened a file in front of him ad started reading from it:”The case number 14111980 about the 2nd degree murder.” He paused, looked at the audience then looked at me and started directly through my eyes from above his glasses for a couple of seconds, then moved to the parents and said:”Your lawyer may start.”

The father held his wife between his arms tightly as her tears started to drift over again. The lawyer moved forward and started his speech:”The day before yesterday, our victim Diana was worried for the absence of her best friend Suzan. She went to make sure that she was fine. Diana’s good well and intentions was the reason why she is now dead. If she was selfish enough so as not to think of her friend and not to waste her time by that visit, she would have been with her family now enjoying her time and we wouldn’t have been her right now. Unlike her best friend sitting with us right now, she wasn’t selfish. Her friend was so selfish that she didn’t give herself time to think about what she was about to do. She killed her own friend because she was blinded by her desires. These parents deserved to have their child with them, and to live a normal life; a life she had deprived them from. They are now not asking for anything but justice which lies in seeing that merciless creature dead.” He said his last words pointing at me with his finger, then he turned to look at me, and then went to have a seat.

It’s Andrew’s time to make his speech; he stepped forward and started talking:”Losing a young pretty girl like Diana is something that make us all sad. I can’t imagine how her parents are dealing with that loss everyday, every second of their lives.” He looked to them and said:”God be with you” then he continued:” But isn’t the loss of one enough?? We all already know that Suzan have not done what she did because she wanted to. We all know that she was under the effect of the drugs the doctor prescribed for her in order to decrease and ease her suffering. The one who attacked Diana is not the one sitting right now with us. We can’t classify this as a 2nd degree murder, it’s a 3rd degree. Suzan had no intentions nor prepared for attacking her friend. She is not a blood thirsty creature as some call her. In fact, anger attacks like the one she had with Diana might have cost her, her own life. An anger attack kills prophyric patients. If a mentally disturbed person kills, he is put into a hospital for mental disorders. What about people like her?? Isn’t she a patient with mental ad physical problems too; suffering each day with not only her lethal disease but with the true merciless bloodsuckers? Those who just like to blame others for anything. Will killing Suzan bring Diana back to life?? Or will it makes us live in a better world?? Does not she deserve another chance?? To have somehow a normal life! To be respected ad treated as a human not like an animal!? Suzan in not a murderer she is just a victim like Diana, a victim of a pathetic sick society.” He came back and sat beside me. I looked at him and wanted to thank him, but he didn’t look back at me, his eyes were fixed on the judge.

There were some talk between the three parties; Andrew the parents’ lawyer ad the judge. Mentioning some facts and evidences and some terms in the law; things I don’t understand. I kept thinking, or may I say, day dreaming about being sentenced as not guilty starting a new life; joining maybe Andrew and his wife. What if am said to be guilty then?? How will I endure the prison?? Or will they just…get it done!? it is just creepy to think about it. I looked back at Diana’s parents. Her mother wiping her tears with a handkerchief, and the parent looked firm and so angry. He looked at me with a sad bitter cruel look that I couldn’t stand and I looked quickly away. I wanted to tell them that I feel as much sorry as they are, I miss her too and I regret what I have done everyday.

Andrew came back by me and the judge said:” this case is very sensitive and a verdict must be decided with care, within an hour you will know what is decided.” He stood up and the rest of us copied and moved out from the same door he came in from.

Suzan:”So what do you think??”

Andrew:” Don’t worry, I told you it’s going to be okay”

Suzan:” great, I need to talk with Diana’s parents.”

A:”I don’t think this is a very good idea.”

S:”I know they hate me, but I owe them an apology.”I didn’t wait to hear his opinion and rushed behind them as they were getting out of the court room. I started calling for them:”Oh please stay I want to tell you something.”

Both stopped and looked back at me with the same looks they had; ager, sorrow and frustration.

S:”I just wanted to apologize for what happened, I would never ever think of hurting her”

The father in an acidic tone:”Oh but you did”

S in a weak embarrassed tone:”and am sorry for that sir, all am asking for is to forgive me, maybe not now, but later on when things get better.”

Father letting go of his wife and now yelling:”GET BETTER!!! THINGS WILL EVER GET BETTER!! Parents are not supposed to bury their children; it’s not how things are like. Because of you we will never get better, we will never have a normal life and now you are asking for forgiveness!!? How dare you come and ask us to do that!?”

The man’s face turned dark red, his wife ad lawyer tried to calm him down. I got really afraid ad had a weird sensation telling me that something bad will happen; real bad. Andrew came by my side pulling me away, but I was pinned to the ground when the father said:” All I want right now; is to see you dead, stained with your own filthy blood.” Then he quickly pulled a revolver from his jacket’s pocket pointed at me. The guards came running towards him to stop him, but they were already late. I felt like a big sharp rod has penetrated my belly. I looked down to it to find a stream of blood running out of me. My legs were trembling and I felt dizzy, maybe it’s because of seeing that much of blood or maybe because am simply….dying!! I heard some fade screams and felt Andrew holding me and laying me on the ground asking for an ambulance. He looked at me with sorrow. I held him so tightly as I was so afraid of what I might face now…on the other side. I needed someone to help and support me there. I forgot all about the accident, all about the trial the parents, Diana and about everything, all I am thinking of right now that I never thought of or put into my considerations for these days is that… I am afraid of what am about to face…..