Turning Point

Can you feel what I feel !?

The amazing air breeze in the morning mingling through your hair and moving swiftly across your skin. The pleasant sound of silence that fills your soul with peace. When suddenly the world, that just a few days ago seemed to be messed around, scrambled, and nothing seem to be in its right place, seems just perfect. All the fuss and noise simply vanish and everything become very clear and transparent. For the first time in 23 years old I feel peaceful. For the first time I feel confident, strong and whole. For the first time I write about what I feel and refer to myself, not just write in a mysteriously hidden way about things only I know about, or even somethings I don't know about! For the first time ever, I am not scared :)

Years and years we live miserably, lost and shattered. Trying to figure out the reason for our existence or even a meaning to our lives. For that we keep busy and overwhelmed, trying to understand and figure out, what should I do and shouldn't I ? Regretting some actions and blaming others for some other. We keep busy, for so long, chasing something that don't actually exists! Yes, lets face it, life is meaningless, or at least we don't know what really is the point of it. So we are trying to find a meaning for actually a meaningless thing! It's just like trying to find a bird playing around deep down in the ocean. It tires us out so much, yet we got used to that, that we even forgot to stop for just one second and think of what are we doing !? Life is meaningless, so don't bother try to convince yourself otherwise. Actually that is a good thing, if life is meaninglessness, then you can have fun and never bother for the bad things that happen. Simply enjoy and make the best out of your short existence on that weird place called planet earth.

For that I am happy, for that I am accepting life and actually loving it.

Transformation

Just like a butterfly we all are, starting as a tiny little worm.Small, tiny and feeling plain and sometimes even feeling worthless. Shy to face the world or show our true core. Sometimes even scared to face that truth that we do matter! Hiding from the crowd, denying that we, like all other creatures are important and of great impact. We hide from the scenes and from ourselves. We hide our true character and personality from others. We don't share what we truly think, feel or do. For lots and lots of reasons. Sometimes, we are shy to tell, sometimes we feel like we don't want to bother others.

Then suddenly, out of no where and for absolute no reason, something happens. Something weird, yet special. Something powerful and very gentle; full of energy and filled with poise. This thing can be anything, and can be nothing. Its really complicated and mysterious, yet you will just feel and know it. That moment when you feel whole ! You are missing nothing, you have got it all, you own the entire world within your palms. In that legendary moment, a moment where time freezes waiting for you to go through your most spectacular experience and transformation. Its the moment where the whole world stands still, watching you become the most beautiful butterfly.
At that moment, you stop caring, bothering or worrying. You simply start BREATHING, for the very first time in your life. Your first time to feel alive, the first time to be calm. No more worries or issues to think over. Decision making feels easy like never before. You feel confident, relieved, like you own everything and everything is simply easy and nice and not worth your efforts. Life becomes sweeter :)

I am not Sorry

Dear community,

I am not sorry!

I am not sorry for being different and for not binding to your stupid rules.
I am not sorry for loving from all my heart till I broke it by my own self.
I am not sorry for making mistakes and taking bad decisions.
I am not sorry for the confidence in my eyes, and spirit in my soul.
I am not sorry for being a dreamer, looking forward to catch up with the starts.
I am not sorry that I don't settle, I seek the peak.
I am not sorry for living my life, my own way.

Frankly, I am not sorry at all :)

We are living in a world were people lack morals, values and have no principles in life. They do things because the got used to it, or found their parents do it. Just like the non-believers years ago used to and we mock them, while actually we are just like them!

For that I am sorry, I am sorry that we are living in a decaying world that seems to be very confident from the outside, yet deeply corrupted and falling apart from the inside. Its very ugly and full of hatred and bad energy, yet it never admits that.

I am really sorry that I am part of a community that don't believe in human rights.
I am really sorry that I am part of a community that steal, lie, kill, rape, deceive, gossip and betray, yet claim to be very religious.
I am really sorry that I am part of a community that due to the large amount of racism it faced become racist.

I am really sorry, but I will no longer care about your judgements :)

Meaningless

Meaningless ... that is how everything mean now to me. Nothing, void, null, tasteless and pointless. are words that are totally meaningless, but the most true and realistic to me right now. Normally I don't openly write what I experience or feel. Normally because I was too shy or afraid of people's judgements or I felt that some things are supposed to be hidden and kept as secrets as long as I still breath. All of that, now, to me doesn't mean anything. I no longer care. Neither about myself nor about others nor even life as a whole.

Last May I experienced a severe state of depression like never before. In which I realized that life is so damn pointless and meaningless. Currently, I got over my depression and entered a new phase, I call it the "Living Dead" phase or the "3aboko koloko" phase.

Now lets think properly, and please don't judge nor get me wrong, but here are some questions that I cant find answers to:
What is the whole point of life and death? If its already known and God knows everything in advance and nothing happens without the will of God ... !? I tried to think this matter over and over again and I never figured out a realistic answer which made me conclude that the answer to this question is not known to us, no one on earth knows the real reason behind our creation. And don't tell me we are created to worship god and earth's construction and development. I do already know that, yet God doesn't need us to do either of that. So my mind tells me there is another reason, yet we don't know!

What does the world happiness mean? What is it like to be happy, or how do we measure happiness? What if you have done everything that makes you happy, you achieved all your life's amazing dreams and now you are on the top of the world ... what's next ? and what was the point of that ? You want to be appreciated and your name to be craved on the pages of history .... Why ? Why make effort in a life that is totally meaningless ? Life is so meaningless, why bother !? there is no such thing as real happiness. It's just a swift of ups and downs.
Also on the other side, there is no such thing as sadness, why feel sad for anything that is not of great matter or totally out of your hand?

Friends, family, work, obligations, responsibilities, goals, dreams, failures, rules ..... things we allowed to control our lives and makes us really miserable and extremely busy without even thinking, why are doing all of that!?


This post is not supposed to inspire you with anything, nor send a certain message or make you believe or see what I am seeing now, because I am 100% sure you won't. You will find all the answers to these questions easily and feel like I am crazy or my mind  has been corrupted or I lost faith. 


Seriously .... I don't care


All what I want now is to get out of this life as soon as possible in the best way. I can't stand being overwhelmed with what we call life ... to me this is no life. There is a life somewhere, at sometime, in a parallel universe waiting for me to live.


To me life lost it's meaning and charm. Death doesn't scare me although I am absolutely not ready to meet God now, but eventually I will met him .... in the way he wants. And that is when life will begin and things will have a true meaning. It's when I hope I may get answers to my questions.


By that I don't become wise nor think I am. In people's terms and definitions, I would be called a miserable maniac. For me, I am just lost !

Triangles

Since I was a child, I have always hated number 3 ... to me it was pure evil! It's odd, prime and even looks ugly! I just hate it and all its derivatives and anything made up of 3 elements ... just like triangles!

A triangle is just stupid to me, it is too lazy to work hard and catch up to be a nice big polygon nor flexible enough to make a circle. Although that’s what makes it unique, I just don’t like it. However, if I am given a piece of paper and a pen, all my scribbles will be just a bunch of triangles, I keep on drawing different triangles in different sizes, Intersecting triangles, and even make up different shapes out of small triangles. My subconscious has been always full of triangles, and I never thought I will be stuck in one!

Our lives are full of situations that can alter our daily routines and even our personalities. We can also feel like we are trapped in a maze, or infinite loops, a circle! A big endless circle, where we keep running, you can’t define where the starting point is and where the ending one is. You are just hoping and wishing we will reach the end at a certain moment. Wishing we will find what we want at the end of the road, and having the faith and will to keep us running and running for so many times. We can’t see the end or the depth of the loop we are trapped in, and that is exactly why we don’t lose hope quickly.  Just like our faith for GOD’s existence, we don’t see him, yet we all know he is there and that’s what keeps us alive and gives us strength. And maybe that’s why GOD has created most things in the form of a circle. The planets, the atoms, the circle of life, cells, our circulatory system, even time … I think just everything is made up of circles … Circles are good.

What can really kill one’s soul is to be stuck in a triangular loop.  If you are in a triangular loop, you start at one of the 3 anchor points believing that it is the starting point and in front of you at a certain distance you can see the end point!! Just a few miles away. You are happy, and very hopeful and sure that you are reaching your goal very soon. The faster you run, the closer your goal seems to be. And finally, you are just there, making the last step! You reached your destination – or so you thought – you were so confident and happy. But your happiness won’t last for long, the point you have reached wasn’t the end, there is another route waiting for you! You thought you made it, well actually you didn’t. You tell yourself never mind, no big deal you have been through that before and you can do it again. You take a deep breath and start running in the second arc of the triangle, hopeful and happy as you get closer to the new anchor point and once you reach it with a victory smile, all the triumphed feeling vanish when you see the new road waiting for you to cross! 3 to 5 loops in a triangle can be enough to make you desperate and makes you lose hope and faith. The disappointment in a triangular loop can simply break you into pieces and that’s what make a triangular loop lethal.

However at the end both are endless loops, and in addition to that the circle loop gives you no indication of how far you have got, or how much you have passed, I believe we still prefer not to be disappointed. We set for ourselves imaginary facts that keep us hopeful and capable of enduring the bitterness of life. We deceive our own selves to survive. I don’t know if that is sick and pathetic or creative. All I know is that its easier to live in a dream rather than living up to it … and that’s not so good.

Wisdom

It’s not in articulating the best answer nor perfect phrases. It’s not in knowing all the answers or being intellectual. Wisdom is not limited to successful, celebrities and politicians. It’s a magical talent that if you gain; you will have all the power within your palms. Wisdom is not about having the louder or stronger voice. It’s not about believing that you are right or being told so.

From my point of view, wisdom is a rich feeling of peacefulness. It’s when you seem you are in the weaker position, but you don’t care or struggle to prove you are not. It’s the moment when you prefer to stay silent in the sea of screams. You don’t care you are wrong or right, it’s never important on which shore you land, or on what team you play, what really matters is reaching your goals in the way you want that doesn’t conflict with others. You don’t ignore others, you listen to them appreciate their words no matter what they are. It’s all about modesty never arrogance and being cocky. It’s knowing when to move forward and when to stop.

Wisdom is when you appreciate those little things in our daily life. The soft air breeze, the glittery sun rays, the people walking by, the glamorous moon. The buildings’ architecture, the shapes created by the clouds, the stars and the salty smell of the sea. It’s feeling happy and content seeing and appreciating those simple things.

It’s the sense of security and contentment that makes you feel your own king. It makes you feel free spirited and not restrained to anything. It’s the freedom of soul that gives you peace of mind.

Nonsense

IT's very weird how our brain tricks us. You think that your favorite color is red, however all your clothes are blue.You believe that your favorite team is barchelona, while deep inside you you wished if machester united has won. Sometimes its so confusing that you just dont know what is it that you want!? why cant there be predefined rules for such situations,like a guide or a book telling you which to chose from. Why are we always struggeling with ourslevies when we actually know the truth but deep inside we just dont want to believe in it. My mind is full of thoughts and ideas, that is leaving me with a vast diversity of emotions. Like a ship in an angry sea, I am; where its waves are hitting it from every direction. Each wave trying to direct the ship to a direction leading it to a differet way. Each wave competing with the other; making the ship unsettled and lost. Happy with all that excitment, but afraid of damaging. If there was only a guide, a clue that could help in finding the right path one is supposed to walk throught, things would have been a lot easier.

I normally never read again what i write, but i have that feeling that is telling me that right now i have written a waste of time uncomprehnsible master piece. Sometimes its not important to make sense nor to mean something, and thats what i call pure entertainment.

If anybody read this, sorry for wasting your time:))))

Love

The most mind tricking thing ever is to try to describe or define an emotion, like what is it like to feel angry? Or define exactly what does it mean to be afraid. However all emotions are indescribable but of course the number one emotion above all that is confusing everybody and consuming their whole time thinking about is love.

I watched and read about great philosophers, men of literature, artists and scientists; that love cannot be described as it differs from one to another and on what situation.

The thing is when the word love is mentioned we think of only “THAT” love people are all disparately seeking right now, but that’s not the only case, nor what I will be talking about in specific.

Love is more beyond feeling close to someone, or having a friend dear to your heart. Love is not about giving and having in turn or unconditionally giving or those platonic words! I am not in love with someone if I will take a bullet for him, else bodyguards are love addicts. It’s not feeling that we can’t live without that one we love, or how are orphans all over the globe are coping? All of these are exaggerations as people love to love.

You see, we love our family; our parents, brothers and sisters. We love them so much no matter what with no reasons. We just love them unconditionally! I think that is the blood bonding they say about.

For me that was an enough explanation, God made us feel that way towards our families. But what I have been really wondering about is the love we feel towards anyone else! Since we don’t have that bond then we can’t feel that much or intense love. I believed in that, that (maybe just me) it doesn’t make sense nor possible to love someone so deep and for a long time. I always said to myself no way I will get bored or simply that love will fade by time. I asked myself what if we disagreed what if we struggled or even had a fight! Love will disappear and frustration and disgust will invade my heart.

Love is just an emotion like hatred; we can’t hate someone for a lifetime. If you think it’s possible then you don’t know what hatred is.

I am not guessing, but I experienced that already.

Days ago I knew what love is, and really is cannot be defined, but love will make you do things you have never done before. What you think is wrong, embarrassing, not You! Things you couldn’t do with others whom you love too. Not the things we watch in movies, not actions nor feelings towards others, but feelings or thoughts about yourself you didn’t have before.

I was hurt…deeply hurt

Normally, I don’t get hurt :D normally I don’t care, and if so; I get angry from the one who hurt me and not tell him that I was hurt and I don’t settle by any mean and I don’t accept apologies, I no longer care about that person. Yes I am evil and my dark side…is dark.

The thing is that I didn’t care this time that I was hurt as much as I cared about who hurt me. I was angry at that person so much I couldn’t look directly into his eyes nor face as I was frustrated from, but I wanted him to stay near by my side. For the first time I want to talk to the one who hurt me, to blame him, make him realize that. Not to make him feel guilty or sorry or to make him feel bad, but simply coz I wanted to talk to someone, a friend to listen. When I am mad at anyone I used to go and talk about it with that person I love. I never ever thought that if I got md at that same person I would go and tell him that. I thought I will never be that mad or I will simply let it go, coz it will be very pathetic begging for care, or so I thought.

But it wasn’t that way.

I feel content, happy, strong, and whole.

I know lots of people and I love dozens of them I truly do. We shared happy crazy moments and hard ones too, but we managed to stay together no matter what.

But I never thought that I can love anyone more than that, there is some other connection, other than blood. I don’t know what is it, but I am living it.

Love is strong.

I am in love with my friends.

Thank god for that.

The Sixth Sense

I don't mean Bruce wills movie or the new technology. I am talking about the sixth sense of feeling what will happen next, not seeing the future, but sensing it. How often we wish we can see the future and know what will happen to us within the couple years, days, or seconds...

But haven't you ever felt that deep feeling of certainty that something good or bad will happen? or your gut feeling telling you not to do that or do that? who will win? who is knocking your door?

Now haven't you ever had a dream that tells you what to do in a certain thing? or a dream that will come to reality in the future? or telling you something about someone??

Do you see things in our surrounding from another perspective? Do find them triggering certain thoughts, stimulating your brain in a different way!? I am talking about signs scattered all along in our daily life.

You know what others are thinking of and feeling without asking them? 

Maybe you have experienced one or more of those things or maybe you are wishing you do.

I experience some sort of bonding between me and my sister, a connection. We understand each other instantly, we talk and have long conversations without uttering a single word. This has driven people crazy, specially our mother:D

I wonder about the connection between twins, how strong can it be?

All of that is ordinary, its normal.

What  is dazzling me is a connection with someone you barely knew. Someone when you first saw, felt that you already knew or met before, or as if you have been waiting for.

Who is that person!!? why you feel so??

You know what will that person do next? if he is sad or happy? if he is in trouble or not? when you will two meet or receive a call from, on which day and hour; without planning to. Not even talking to that person or contacting in any mean.

I heard once that before the creation of man, our souls existed together and knew each other, some didn't get along together while others did. Thats why sometimes in our lives you meet someone whom you don't like and you don't know why. And that why you feel relived to others without really knowing them.

And that makes me wonder does that relate by anyway to that kind of connection?

This connection is pretty cool:D feels a bit wizardly:D:D It gives you a good feeling and some sensation of .....power.

The more days that pass the more powerful your skills get and the deeper the connection is established, and the more powerful you feel.

However, what will you do if one day, you woke up to find that this connection no longer exists!!

will you feel sad!? if you think you will; you are either control freak:P, or actually you didn't experience that and you couldn't imagine how can this be.

Having such a powerful deep connection with someone you barely know or meet can drive you nuts! It will posses you and indulge all your senses sinking your mind deep into a restless endless forest of your own creation. Thoughts and speculations that can drift you away from reality, but keeps you swimming in a swarm of dreams, probabilities and chances.

This connection itself will drive you made thinking why among all the people I know I am connected with somebody I don't know!!!!!! Should that have any significance? and what is it?

Losing such a connection is a blessing, you are no longer jailed in your own made prison of mind. Although you lose the power, the enthusiasm and curiosity to know what will happen next. But in turn you will enjoy the peace of mind.

I cant find explanation to those bizzare phenomena, it might be the hallucinations of my sick mind. Yet I thank god for having them:D...I do.

Chocolate

I was sick and sleeping in my bed when one day my mother came to me with a bar of chocolate in her hand. I didn't feel like eating at all but she insisted that eating chocolate will make me feel better. Sick people just don't eat chocolate!!? But she insisted and I didn't want to argue with her. Am not really a big fan of chocolate so I decided to take just a small piece , but this bar was magical. Once the small block settled on my tongue it started melting indulging my taste buds with the most sensational taste ever. I closed my eyes and started melting in my place; I felt like I was, somehow, flying.
Suddenly I found myself back to reality falling back from sky to earth. I recognized why am back the moment I saw that the bar of chocolate no longer exists; I ate it all. Usually am no fan of chocolate, but that bar was different it was magical. I do not really know what was different about that bar, but liked it so much indeed. Day after the other and I became a chocoholic.

I eat it for breakfast after dinner and as super. I add this brand of chocolate now to everything I eat or drink. I can't imagine I day passing without eating it at least twice. I start my day with one and end it with another and checking that I have excess for the coming days. I started gaining weight, but I didn’t care. I started to have dental problems, but I didn't care. I suffered from insomnia from the excess caffeine in it and the doctors are warning me from diabetes, but I couldn't care less about it. My friends started to talk to me about my new addiction, but nothing worked for me. I was totally convinced with what they were saying, and I even tried to back off and stop eating all of these amounts of chocolates daily. There was days when I believed that I was totally recovered when there comes from nowhere a great temptation that I can do nothing about. simply I could not stop or maybe I didn’t want to stop. I always had that hope that everything will be just fine. I even kept searching the web for articles stating the benefits of the chocolates and even became wiling to take the risk for the sake of enjoying these benefits. The back draws of this new addiction over weights it's benefits but I enjoyed it.

It's so weird how stupid we might be sometimes. We know what's wrong and what's right, however we keep insisting on doing what's wrong, but for the sake of what??? Is it because we enjoy the excitement in doing the wrong thing??or is it that stupid thing they call HOPE. The hope that makes us believe that nothing is impossible and that we can do anything even if it's wrong and believing that with some sort of miracle we won't suffer from it's consequences. Al of that is sweet but when we are on the right track and not when we have lost our way. For me, all the time I keep convincing myself that nothing bad will happen I eve started losing interest in chocolate I already had much of it. Maybe now it's time to start recovering what I corrupted. I started going regularly to a dentist for my teeth, as for the gain in weight, diet won't be enough in my case so I decided to fast for a couple of..weeks :D. This was not easy by any means, specially when you suddenly find that the entire globe is against you; like some sort of conspiracy. I open the TV to find mesmerizing ads about different chocolates. I walk in the streets that is full of shops selling chocolates, milk with chocolate flavor, ice cream with same freaking flavor, ads about chocolates, and people eating chocolates. OMG I HATE CHOCOLATE :@. I went to a café to chill a bit and forget all what I have just seen. I took the menu ad checked the fizzy drinks to avoid seeing any choco-related thingie and to my misfortune I found coca with CHOCOLATE FLAVOR. Finally I decided to have chocolate mousse. I looked to my plate ad kept admiring it, I feel so weak ad vulnerable in front of that brown sugary beauty. I asked it; why do I love you so much that and risking my whole life and health?? Why can't I be like ordinary people, those who love you but not addictively?? Do I really love you that much in the first place??? Coz am starting to doubt that or am just hiding behind my addiction. I enjoy my time eating you coz you make me lose track of time. You make me fly high and dive deep. I forget all about everyday's problems when I am drinking the cold sweet chocolate ice cream. I feel happier and warm when I am holding my hot chocolate cup in my freezing fingers . I really didn’t want to become an addict but some things just happen.

Some friends recommended me to try new stuff and some said WHY NOT RY COFFEE both are brown and both are beans!!? I was not convinced deep down but I tried I didn’t want to be passive and surrender so easily like that. I never liked coffee, but weirdly I started to get used to it. The problem was that I liked the coffee as I tried to hard to convince myself that it's just like the chocolate. Not because of its color nor that it's beans too, but the caffeine in it really helped I even added lots of sugar to make it sweet. I started adding milk and I even tried to make ice cream from it. My acts were rather shocking when I began realizing that I liked the coffee coz it reminded me of the chocolate. So I said why am I troubling myself like that!!? I AM A CHOCOHOLIC and that’s it. I am not proud of that, but it's a fact and not an achievement to be proud nor ashamed of. What could happen??what ever god has for me I will simply see.

To this day I still don’t know if chocolate is good or bad?? I know it's bad but I believe it's good and I want it to be good.

A Carrot

There is a big difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s real and what’s not. We all know these differences but we don’t really like them or go with them. As reality is most of the time bitter and very far away from the imaginary world we built for ourselves to live in.

A feel like the donkey with a carrot pinned to his head but away from his mouth. He wants it so bad; that he keeps running trying to catch it but that stupid carrot is always far from his reach…always in advance of him. I envy the donkey that he only wants the carrot in front of him, whilst I want all what’s beyond that carrot.

One day, I realized that no matter how fast I ran I WONT REACH THE DAMN CARROT. That didn’t really relief me, it made me feel really frustrated and down. I sat down trying to take my breath and feeling like a complete loser, I have been running after that carrot for years!!!.....years!!YEARS!!!!!!! And as if I was hit on my brainless head. I looked up at the carrot hoping that what I was thinking of is not true. No it can’t be!! I haven’t wasted years of my life running after a…..rotten carrot!! HOW STUPID AM I!?? I have been so busy reaching it that I didn’t see wither is it still good or not. I could have waited for anyone to help me or even looked for another carrot, but I was blind and stupid…I was pathetic!

Suddenly the carrot disappeared!! I looked around me to see other donkeys; trying hard to do what I was doing. All overwhelmed with the same carrot, running as fast as their legs could help them to. I wanted to tell them all to stop or help each other or switch the carrots with each other. I shouted as hard as I could but it was all in vain, as if I don’t exist. I started to look around me to find something, anything, to help me and make them stop, and then I found a bunch of donkeys 5 meters away. They all looked busy but relieved and most importantly, with no carrots. I hustled to them and asked them to help me help the others get rid of their carrots too. None of them seemed to care, but one came near me with a nice wise smile and told me that they have been trying for so long since they first realized that they must stop running. To my amazement, the donkey said that they tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. I was so occupied with my obsession. I looked back at the running donkeys and pitied them all, I was just like them and I know how it is like. All I could do is to pray for them.

So now what?? I let go of my…precious carrot (after all I like it in a way or another) I am aware now that it was not real, so what!? What should be my next step? If only I had a carrot to catch!! WHY DO I INSISTE TO STICK TO PURE STUPIDITY!!!? No rotten carrots, no carrots at all. It’s just that, I was sticking to the carrot coz it kept me engaged into something, I didn’t want to leave it or stop maybe so as not to be lost like now or feel so helpless like that!?

There is nothing better than seeing the truth beyond things, I agree it’s hard but hard things are always worth it. 

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My Teddy Bear

Today I went shopping. While walking in the mall, something caught my attention. I stopped walking and stood fixed in my place looking with amazement and my eyes fixed on those tiny brown little eyes, or more accurately buttons. It was a teddy bear, yeah a teddy bear!! I like toys, okay, but not to that extent!! The last time a toy caught my attention was like….I don’t even remember, but it was years ago. There is something in that little teddy that made me want to have it so bad, and if you are asking what is it!?.................................. I don’t really know. 

I put my hands into my pockets hoping to find enough money to buy this beautiful little thing. I kept digging in my pockets deep down, as if my hands were diving searching for the key of the treasure box. 10...20, that will barely take me back home. I just can’t leave that sweet creature, I simply can’t, I want it so bad. A sudden grin grew on my face, I remember now that technology ROCKS, I have my ATM card. Hope filled me up; I pushed the door and entered with a great feeling of triumph and power. My eyes fixed on it, I was just about to stretch my hand to grasp it when a small kid came and took it from the shelf and hugged it with his arms. I have never liked children, and now I HATE THEM!! All that I was thinking of is that I WANT IT, IT’S MINE!! I hated to see it in someone else arms. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down seeing that little devil moving away with MY bear and heading to the cashier. Come on, I won’t use it really or play with it. The kid would benefit more from it…it would delight him. HEY!! DON’T I DESERVE TO BE DELIGHTED TOO!!! I SAW IT BEFORE HIM!! I don’t even know how he sneaked his way and got it before me! I don’t want to be wise nor kind; I want that bear now!! I took from the shelf another bear of the same type and ran to the boy, convinced him that the one in his hands was not as good as this one. They little kid was so gentle and polite and switched the bear easily with me. His attitude made me feel really………………………stupid; how cares!! I have my bear in my hands now...FINALLY. I held my new friend in my hand tenderly, as if afraid to hurt it. I looked into its eyes they seemed to want me they way I do, as if it belongs to me and only me, that made me feel exhilarated. 

Back home, I put my dear new friend beside me on bed and kept looking at it with admiration. I cared for it more than anything else I had before. I treated it so preciously as if it was a living thing; I don’t even care that much for most humans. 

Days are passing and my obsession with my teddy is inevitable. However I don’t spend time with it, I can’t let anyone play with it either. It’s mine and only mine. After a while, I looked at it and discovered that the sparkle I used to see in its eyes has vanished. Deep down it made me doubt if it still wants me or not!? But I believe yes, my bear can’t just not want me any longer...!! I remembered my granny’s words she used to tell me when I neglect my toys. She told me that they feel sad for not being played with. I want to decide to let go, but it’s so hard. I started letting my younger sister play with it (in my presence of course), then gradually things became better. I trusted leaving it around others however I didn’t like that, but I couldn’t endure being so selfish like that. I must try to change, to live and let live. 

Please ... Hear what I am not saying

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don’t be fooled. 

I give the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I’m in command and I need no one. But don’t believe it; please don’t. 

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, nothing of what’s crying within me. So when I’m going through my routine, don’t be fooled by what I am saying; what I’d like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I cant say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phony games I’m playing. 

I’d really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that’s the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings. Very feeble wings. But wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive, and I am a child. 

Who am I, you may wonder. For I am every man, every woman, every child…every human you meet.




Poem Source

Hope

Its only hope that makes life worth living, for me hope is just like a candle buried deep down inside me I cant see it really but am sure its there, I just feel its fade heat through me giving me the will to keep on living. I have lost hope so may times and even sometimes I wished to lose hope in something and stop wishing or dreaming of it. And I wont say that I didn't survive or something, no of course I did but I was like a zombie- a living dead- I wasn't miserable or so I though, but I wasn't happy neither. I felt something was wrong but really didn't know what was it. I know thats not the normal ME......!!!! 

Days have passed, and am still living in a coma, am aware of everything around me but am not interacting normally with the surrounding. Something it is acing but I cant find it. Then I started to face the truth, its the candle!! thats it, thats whats acing, I have just blown it off and didn't totally remove it, coz unfortunately its not removable, it a built in option or something. Oh how much I wish to take that candle off, its just exhausting to have it. I am not saying that its a bad thing, hope is the most beautiful thing in life. To flowers; hope is like the water that makes them blossom. To a painting, its the colors that brings it to life. Finally, to humans, its what makes us content, happy and ambitious and not just living for the day. That hope is making you levitate in a world of your dreams that ensures you that everything is possible, good and nothing bad will happen. Unfortunately, life is just full of wind that blows the candle off and makes you see that actually everything is just bad and absolutely the opposite of what you have dreamed of. I am not pessimistic, am not that kind bas am just asking myslef: “متى ستاتى الرياح بما تشتهى السفن؟؟؟؟".